Tuesday, June 01, 2010

We HAVE To Teach Our Girls!

The article is in the June 7th issue of People, so there is no link yet. I had to actually go out and buy the magazine! Y'all know what a cheapskate I am...so you know it was a sacrifice!

You have read my rants before about narcissistic guys and what all they can talk us into. There are a few things in this article that speak directly to that. Here's one:
Even when they were dating, says Susan's sister, Denise Gordon, Josh kept Susan on a tight leash, forbidding her from walking down the aisle with the groom's 12-year-old nephew at Gordon's wedding. "He had a problem with Susan holding his arm," she says.
Let's think about that for a minute. Now, I mean no disrespect to Susan, here (God knows, I have dated and been engaged to guys just as crazy as that, and at an age where I was old enough to know better), but this is just the kind of behaviour that we, as women, need to be alert about. The sad truth is that such actions probably got worse after they were married, and he probably promised her that he wouldn't be so jealous, because she would be legally "his," and he would not be so afraid she was going to run off with another man. Never mind that he was, in this instance, jealous of a 12-year-old boy! Whenever I hear of something like this, I want to tell the girl to run...change her phone number, unfriend him on Facebook, have friends and relatives form a buffer between them; just dump him forever and don't look back!

Here's another flag:
"...he married Susan after a five-month courtship in Puyallup..."
Five months is not long enough to get to know any man well enough to to marry him. Especially as she is a religious person and (probably) adverse to living with him before the wedding. A woman needs to know her prospective husband for at least a year, preferably more, before making such a commitment. She needs to see him in all sorts of surroundings--all the situations listed in her wedding vows, and then some. "For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health..." She needs to see how he reacts when something annoys him; if he has to wait in line, or locks his keys in the car, or drops his cell phone down a storm drain, or the waiter brings his steak well-done when he ordered it rare. If he lashes out, blames somebody else, has some sort of hissy fit, or sulks under these conditions, that behaviour won't get better after the wedding, either.

How about this:
Josh would secretly change the PIN on their joint bank account and held onto her car keys. Friends say Susan, a licensed cosmetologist who at one point worked at a local salon, was allowed to buy just one bottle of hair product at a time and had to get Josh's approval to buy groceries.
I know she was trying to save her marriage, but women need to know that this is dangerous. It's all about control with these men, and they lust for it. It's like a drug and they need more and more of it. I'd be willing to bet that, no matter what reason Josh gave Susan for it, the move to Utah was to get her away from her family and friends, to whom she could have run when she couldn't stand it any more.

Does marriage counselling help? Not without both partners being totally committed to making it work. In this case, not so much:
They were in marriage counseling--"Susan went more than Josh," Hellewell says.
Josh probably did his level best to convince Susan that she was the one with the problem, not he.

I love the way the Powells (the Puyallup Powells, anyway) have ranked themselves behind poor Josh:
Josh's father, Steven Powell, and his brother Michael deny allegations that Josh had changed or was controlling and abusive toward his wife. "There's no basis to any of the stuff they're saying. It's just a bunch of baloney," said Michael.
So, did Susan (in the minds of the Powells) lie to all of her friends and family? Or are the friends and family lying on their own initiative...and to what purpose? Is it a whole big conspiracy to blacken Josh's reputation? I'm sorry, but if you are going to accuse a number of people of lying, you need to be able to scrounge up some sort of credible reason for them to do so. The arrogant Powells do not see a need for that. They make pronouncements from their gated community, and we are all supposed to believe them, just...well...because.

Once again, here are some of the red flags to watch out for:

~He tries to get you to do things you don't really want to do.
~He drives a wedge between you and your friends and family.
~He wants to know where you are at all times.
~He tries to control the way you look or dress.
~He is constantly calling, emailing, texting.
~He gets angry when you don't do as he says.
~The more you try to please him, the more he demands.

Please, girls...pay attention. You are being abused. You may wind up missing or dead.


  1. Fantastic advice! I wish someone had told Susan the same thing while she was dating that jerk.

  2. The problem is, she probably wouldn't have listened! I have had ZERO luck in real life telling girls about this stuff. I guess they have to get burned before they believe it! At least the ones I have tried to help have not wound up dead, but some have children and custody issues...I'm always saying, "Please get away!" Then the guy does the honeymoon phase thing, and the girl thinks it's all better...

  3. Ronni, you are so right. She would not have listened. One of my very best friends...we've been friends for 30 years...just married a man she had known, KNOWN, for 4 months. FOUR. She is 63 years old. This is her 3rd marriage. The first 2 were users and abusers. She, on her own, is very financially sound and has held the same job for 26 years as an accountant for a major cotton company. She has often said what terrible choices she has made in men and we joked how she wanted me to stop her. Believe me, I tried. She didn't want to hear anything I said. All I asked was that she wait to marry him. At 63 years old, what could the rush possibly be?? But no, he was such a "nice man" and so "kind" and "fun to be with". What.Ever. I give up.

    Oh, and have you seen that Joran van der Sloot is back in the news? Daddy's not around this time to bail him out. Wonder if that will make a difference?

  4. Sad, but true, Carol! Until we learn that alone is really the best way to be, and become more reluctant to turn our happiness, finances and safety over to another, we will be vulnerable. Even when we are sure everything is going well, very bad things can happen. Witness my own marriage to Jim...I thought there was nothing we couldn't weather together. He was not of the same mind.

    What is Ditch Boy up to now?

  5. Wanted for murder of a 21 year old woman in Peru. He was the last one seen with her (sound familiar?). Her body was found in an upscale hotel room. Stabbed to death. Signs of a struggle, etc., etc. He may not get off this one. The girl's dad is a well-known businessman and race car driver in Peru.
    Ronni, you have handled Jim's death so admirably. You had the rug literally pulled out from under you, yet you figured out what it took to carry on. I can only imagine how hard it has been, but you've done so well.
    My friend was married to an awful man for over 20 years. He was a real leech both financially and emotionally and I often suspected he was somewhat physically abusive. She always said that if anything ever happened to him (ummm, she could leave? right? they had no children, she was the breadwinner), she never wanted another man. He died and was dead less than a year when she married number three. I believe I can confidently say I would not pull that one. I've done some stupid things in my day, we all have, but I hope I'm past being stupid over a man.

  6. Amen, Sister!

    Joran is such a narcissistic, entitled SOB, that every time I see him on TV, I want to smack him with a shovel!