I did hear opinions from a couple of well-meaning, God-fearing Christians on the subject. One said that suicide was the ultimate "eff you" to those who have to find them, and another, that Jim could not have accepted God, or he would not have shot himself.
Is this the stigma? Both these comments made me angry. I felt forced to defend my husband's decision to take his life. How ironic is that?
The thing is, I don't see suicide as a sin. Faced with an incurable and debilitating disease, I might consider it among the options. The difference between my attitude and Jim's is that I would consider suicide as ONE of the options, not as the only one. Oh, and I would also get a professional diagnosis, and maybe even a second or third medical opinion.
And, as far as Jim's acceptance of God goes, I have really nothing to go on, as it was not something we ever discussed. I remember his saying, over a year before his death, that he had begun to wonder if there might be "something." A bit nebulous, and obviously not enough of a belief to deter him from his chosen course.
The thing is as it is. He killed himself. Carla Fine, in "No Time to Say Goodbye," quotes an unnamed support group leader as saying,
A suicidal person is like a black hole of pain. You can give and give but you just can't fill it up.
This makes sense to me. I love Jim. Without restraint, I released all the love in me and just let it pour into him. It never occurred to me that it would not be enough to make him happy. His love was enough to make me happy, and what other yardstick did I have to measure with? He is gone from me forever, but the love is not. The love that was supposed to be my joy and comfort (and his) for the rest of my life is still here. It just hurts too much to pay attention to it right now.
Is that why I don't notice the "stigma?" Or is it not really there? Or is it just another of those things that I ignore because I don't want to see it?
The people in my community have been very kind to me, and helpful. I haven't heard even a hint that anyone holds me responsible.
I think it may be part of the residual guilt. As I am refusing to beat myself up over Jim's death, am I imagining that others are? What about his brother? His nephew? His former students?
I don't know. Right now it feels as if I shall never be comfortable in my skin again.
Stigma? If that is true, it is just another reason to be mad at Jim. Something else he never thought would affect you. Like all the other horrid emotions you have suffered over this tragedy.
ReplyDeleteSorry, Ronni. I can almost see your frustration and pain.
I think most of society has changed their feelings and opinions concerning suicide. Similar to mental illness. Certainly not everyone, but more so than say, 50 years ago.
ReplyDeleteEither they changed their opinions or society became more diplomatic about voicing that opinion.
And I agree with mgt...I can almost see your frustration and pain. And my opinion? It's justified and healthy for YOU. Which is the only thing that matters right now.
After my friend's son committed suicide while under a Dr.'s care, I told her that he died of depression.
ReplyDeleteThere really is no way of stopping someone who has decided to do this. Perhaps it can be delayed, but without intervention and sometimes not even then(see above), it will happen and it really isn't the fault of the loved ones. IMO, it's not the fault of the doer either.
However, you have every reason to be angry at the mess that was dropped in your lap. I think that you are doing beautifully and will continue to do so.
I think stigma is more about the person applying it that the one being stigmatized.
ReplyDeleteHeck, there are people that attach stigma to everything. I think, somehow it makes them feel safe, like something can't happen to them. People don't like the order of their worlds rocked. If they can't understand something, they want to assign blame, to again make them feel safe and feel order in their world, to allay their fear that this could happen in their own lives.
I believe that a person that commits suicide is in a place where they don't have the ability to think rationally. I doubt the decision had anything to do with how much he loved you. No one will ever really know how he had it worked out in his own mind, he may have even thought he was making your life better somehow to take himself out of it.
It's just a shame the ones left behind have to suffer so.
Wishing you peace and recovery.
Ronni, you're stronger than you know. I hope you're giving yourself extra sleep and putting your feet up more often. Be good to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the last part of Valarie's post. I really think a lot of people who choose suicide believe they're making their partner's lives easier. We can see it's absoloutly not true, but their logic isn't working properly at the time. It's so sad and frustrating to try and understand.
As far as stigma goes, I'm sure everyone can see that he had so much to stick around for. There were so many options Jim could have explored before he made his decision.