Beverly Cobain and Jean Larch use the term "psychache," to define the pain felt by a suicidal person. They describe it thus, referring to Edwin Schneidman's book, "The Suicidal Mind:"
"Mental distress is experienced as a pain in the mind...Psych refers to the mind, and ache refers to the anguish, hurt and misery the person is experiencing. The word, therefore, means pain in the mind..."
They go on to detail many of the things that can contribute to this feeling, and I am sure that Jim suffered from a lot of them.
Many survivors seems to be obsessed with figuring out why their loved one killed himself or herself. Me? Not so much. He's gone. He left me with a huge mess to clean up, and not much in the way of assets to use.
It's not the first time I've had a mess to deal with, and it won't be the last. I still vacillate between anger, loneliness and sorrow, and probably will for a long time.
The first half of "Dying to Be Free" explores the reasons why people kill themselves, and the second half deals with survival tactics.
"Ask for what you want. Exercise. Laugh. Honour your memories. Self-care. Get active. Be willing to forgive."
Excuse me? How can I be willing to forgive? The book says to practice forgiveness. The steps are as follows:
Write a letter expressing all your feelings of anger, fear, blame, and hurt. Read it to a trusted friend or professional, then destroy it.
This, I can do.
Decide to stop punishing yourself or others. Recognize that those who need your forgiveness are providing the opportunity for you to learn to forgive. When you forgive others, you are also forgiving yourself, creating peace and freedom.
This makes no sense at all. They don't say how to do it. How do you do that? I figure, if I ever get this place together, and get the vehicles out of the driveway, and the roof fixed, and manage to generate enough income to live in it, then, then, I might be able to forgive Jim.
Keep in mind that forgiving does not mean that you condone the actions of others.
Okaaayyy?
Read and talk with others about forgiveness.
I don't know. It seems a bit too religious to me. I am not normally a bitter person, but I do remember when people have hurt me. Not constantly, but when something triggers a memory, it comes back.
I have forgiven the powers that were at my high school for not casting me as the narrator for the Christmas Pageant. It took a while, but one day, 20 years later, I woke up and realized I didn't care any more. I guess that's forgiveness, right?
This situation is a bit bigger than that, and, if I'm supposed to forgive Jim, I need some instructions, or else it will take the rest of my life.
"No Time to Say Goodbye" also seems obsessed with figuring out why people commit suicide. I'm pretty sure I have a good enough handle on why Jim did this thing. He hurt. He thought he had a debilitating disease. He felt like a failure. I can understand why some survivors might get hung up in trying to figure out the reasons, but that's not me.
I'm the selfish type, and I am supremely pissed off that my happy little plans for the rest of my life have been shot full of holes.
Some women complain about their husbands' snoring; I loved the sound of mine.
I feel lost, and insecure, and alone, and angry.
OK. Here it is: I DON'T CARE WHY JIM KILLED HIMSELF! And I think that expecting me to forgive him for it is a pretty tall order.
Get back to me in 20 years.
Your brutal and gut-wrenching honesty overwhelmes me. Having never been in your situation, I probably have no business commenting. But at this stage of the game, I'd say your honesty is much more important than forgiveness. Being able to bring those angry and justified feelings to the surface and onto paper (computer) seems much more healthy to me.
ReplyDeleteI've never been good at forgiving. And when I finally did forgive somebody after almost 30 years of holding onto bitterness....I will say....doors opened and amazing things began to happen. But I didn't consciously go "looking" to forgive. Over time, I grew, and forgiveness...it just happened, almost without my knowing.
I think forgiveness is one of the most difficult things for humans. Because it goes hand in hand with resentment.
Hi, terri! How are you doing? I've missed you.
ReplyDeleteWell, you know. If you can't be honest with the Internet, who can you be honest with? LOL!
I have more to say, and might write a bit more, later tonight.
Hello Ronni:
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you are reading the book I suggested. . I didnt find it obscessed with WHY people commit suicied--its interesting how different our interpretations of the book are...
That book offered me a feeing that I was not alone in my extreme grief. And that is did very well.
After a year, I have not forgiven my darling best friend and the love of my life for leaving me. .
But I understand that it was his solution...
Your stages of grief show through loud and clear in your blogs--hang in there, my friend.
It is not an easy journey you are on, but an important one.
Susan
Suicide survivor--since 2006.
My fabulous friend-1955 - 2006
Susan, maybe I'm reading these books too soon...or maybe I expect too much.
ReplyDeleteOr, maybe Susan wasn't left with a huge mess to clean up.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you feel you are being 'selfish'. It shows you realise exactly what has happened to you. No 'forgiving' (urgh, I hate that word). If you ever manage to accept this, that alone, will be a miracle.
I love your honesty and the fact that you are angry. That will give you strength.
Get through this in your own way and in your own time. That's my advise.
What you are doing with this blog will help far more people than those books ever will. Kudos!
Mgt, do you really think this will help others? I never really thought of that. All I was thinking of was that it might help me.
ReplyDeleteSusan's situation was very similar to mine. Just an example of different people being helped in different ways. Susan has been very helpful to me...more so than the books, if truth be told.
I think there is a time for reading and understanding, and maybe that time is not yet, for me.
You are letting people know it is okay to feel mad and they won't turn to dust or be struck down because of it. That people don't need to avoid you...rather say what they are thinking.
ReplyDeleteI apologise if I inferred that Susan was suffering less than you. All I know is that you could have been living in cardboard if you had fallen to pieces, which, by the way, you had every right to do. Especially, after finding out how bad things really were.
Sometimes the boundaries are very thin.
ReplyDeleteWalking the razor's edge...here's the thing. I don't want Brendan to be scared by the depth of my grief and feel he has to be "the man of the house." He is 17, he is going to college next year, and that, as they say, is that. Therefore, I try not to be all weeping and stuff in front of him. HOWEVER, I don't want him to think I have no feelings to express. You see? I am trying to be honest without overwhelming him further.
He is developing his own coping skills, something I probably could not have done when I was his age.
Brendan is a fine boy, Ronni. Don't feel afraid to use his shoulder to have a good cry. He will probably cry with you.
ReplyDeleteA good duo-howl could help, you never know.
Ah...but would he forgive me for it?
ReplyDeleteYes, Ronni, Brendan would forgive you.
ReplyDeleteMichael and I have enjoyed a very close relationship ever since he was about Brendan's age. We've had some heart-to-heart talks and and nothing is ever not forgiven.
Brendan loves you and probably wants to know what he can do to make his Mom not hurt.
Ronni, I think that the book is emphasising that forgiveness is the ultimate goal. The sooner you get there in this journey you are on, the better. But, forgiveness is a place you get to once you have processed all your feelings and emotions about the situation. It certainly doesn't happen overnight.
ReplyDeleteI remember being so angry at my ex for all the pain he continually put me and our children through for so many years. After I realized that I was the one doing all the hurting over our situation (ex didn't give a ratz azz and anyone other than himself) I realized that my anger was wasted energy/time. I was finally able turn my anger towards him into pity. I really don't feel anything but sadness for my children and my exes family for the hurt that he has caused them. They have to forgive him in their own time frame. I'm all good now.
I know this situation is very different than yours, but fogiveness will come to you after you have processed your hurt. Give yourself time. You aren't on a schedule. Hugs, friend.