Tonight, I'm going to a party. A birthday party. I feel a little funny about it.
I've been out and about since Jim died--Halloween, dinners with friends, gatherings at a pub, plays (mostly for business reasons, or because Brendan was in it, or I promised the director, etc.), but this is a party. There will be dancing, and singing, and wine.
I am going to try very hard to avoid thinking, "Jim would have loved this," and just enjoy myself.
Part of the reason I hesitate to go is...well...what if I get sad? I tend to do that, and cry at inappropriate times. Of course, I don't have much information about appropriate times to cry, but I suspect they are mostly confined to times when I am alone.
I can always leave, right?
My next problem is what to wear. Of course, I'm in a sort of "between" phase, weight-wise, and don't fit into stuff I used to wear. I don't want to buy things that do fit, because I don't want them to fit for long. Spending money on clothes is pretty low on my list of priorities, especially when I cringe at the size tag on what actually fits.
If all else fails, I still have the outfit I bought for Jim's memorial. It's just that I'm trying to forget that, just for tonight, and wearing the same outfit seems counterproductive to that goal.
Anyway, wish me luck.
Social events never used to produce such anxiety. Yet another thing about which I am ticked off at my husband.
I will post later, with a report on how it all went...
Ronni, any time you're feeling sad is an appropriate time to cry. You can always just excuse yourself and get a breath of fresh air until it passes. Don't worry about what other people think.
ReplyDeleteAs for feeling guilty for enjoying yourself; don't. You deserve to feel joy every single day.
I totally identify with the wardrobe thing. Being between sizes and all that's frustrating. Straight leg or slightly flared slacks and a longer tunic type top is really popular this season, slimming, and easy to wear. Comfy, too! Even some of those shorter dresses hanging in our closets can be used as pant toppers.
HELLO RONNI
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking on me..i haven' been on here for awhile ..sorry.I will try to write you an email soon.
Now to comment on howYOU are feeling...
i agree with nadine..good advice.and you certainl KNOW how to sew, revamp some of your older outfits and makethem up to date!..i've got the BIG boobie thing going so i often have to remake clothing myself to fit properly..you can do it..as far as the sadness..it really DOES get easier with time, and you didn't do this, it's NOT your fault, you should never feel guilty living and enjoying it. never! he's the one who chose to leave life, not you hun! i really do hope you enjoyed the party..hugs and kisses ...
Which Jim are you being disloyal to???? The man you married; who loved parties, and would want you to go and have enough fun for both of you. The depressed stranger who turned Jim into a Puse Recluse and never went anywhere and never returned the calls of his friends (like Jason, Whatley, or me. He took the love of your life why would you worry about his thoughts or feelings. Go have a good time even a good cry. People want to see you not your cloths. We all see you as the real Jim did a great gift of joy and value.
ReplyDeleteLove Betty
I finally cried great sobing gasp in the middle of a very sacred Temple session. I got some extra tissue and smiles, but no one cared except to love me a little more for being human. Plan your way home before you drink and get a hangover for me.
Ronni, I hope you go and enjoy yourself. If you do happen to cry, so be it. These are your friends who invited you, no? Of course they would understand if you get emotional. Just wave your hand and cover your mouth in a feminine way and say "Excuse me, please, I need a moment." Either they will nod vigorously "of course, of course" or someone will want to accompany you to see that you're OK.
ReplyDeleteI was at a party last spring and there was woman there who I am not a close friend of but who I like very much. She lost her husband the previous summer to a sudden heart attack and had really not been out since. She was very, very fragile. But it was OK because anyone who knew her (myself included) was so glad to see her and encouraging and understanding when she teared up (which she did!). I saw her again last week and she's doing pretty well. The point is that people WANT to be comforting and WANT to see you, even if you are feeling emotionally unstable. It's good for you to see people who care, and it's good for them to see you and be able to express their care. You might already be at your soiree tonight, but I wanted to say this in case it was of any comfort, before or after. It's OK, Ronni.
Shoot, moi's 2cents. When you feel those tears and sadness well up, either dig down to your anger or dig down to the laughter you may have shared. You are in a treacherous and tender time right now. I recommend the anger now and the laughter later. Anger can get you through even if you just keep that to yourself until you return home and have a primal scream in the car or in the woods or somewhere that Brendan won't hear it. Anger is the phase of grief featured in the sunday NYT CWP. Wallow in it and burn stuff. Build a large fire in a safe place and burn that effin furniture. Oops, I had an episode and I will send you the ashes for your mantel. Keep your sense of humour and slam doors and scream when you have the opportunity. Just don't hurt yourself or let Brendan hear you do it. This went on for some years for moi just from a shocking divorce that felt like a death and suicide of the man I thought I had known since we were in our teens. You will never know the pain that drove him to do this. It is time to nurture yourself and your pain and go out to parties and assimilate positive energy and festive feelings to boost you over some waves of distress, angst and loathing. Be so kind to yourself and surround yourself by people who are kind and giving you the support that you need. You may be numb now, but the flow of energy will return and you will overcome this great loss and learn at long last not to blame yourself or relive the past. As I always advise, don't look back. You have already absorbed as much as you can possibly take. No guilt and no regrets. Go forth my brave one and conquer. You have so much to live for and many who love you. All the love that you and others had to give was not enough for Jim. Hard as it is try to accept that. It was his monster, not yours. You may never know and I pray that one day soon you will be able not to care that you cannot analyze it or get your mind around it. Acceptance of the done deal is a true step forward. The deed is done. He did it very dramatically. Let the deed and the dead rest in Peace and give yourself the gift of peace. Meditate and circulate and thrive with like-minded people who support and love you. I love you deario. Have courage. xxooasusual
ReplyDeleteI hope you had fun, Ronni. And if you cried a little, or a lot, or not at all, it's okay. I look forward to reading about your evening. Well actually, it's early morning now, I think. Where are you, young lady?
ReplyDelete< smile >