"...That all family heirlooms be offered to...Paul William Prior. Any items he does not want shall be disposed of at the discretion of my wife..."
You'd think, given that we got rid of all our contemporary furniture to make room for this stuff, he could at least have given me the use of it for a few years. I mean, of course I will do what my husband wanted, but I wish they would give me a few months to get it all sorted.
Paul William lives in Oregon, and may or may not be down for the memorial. He wants to send his parents through here--I've already heard from his mother, who has storage space, and his father, who assures me he's not going to give me a hard time.
So, right when I can afford it the least, most of the furniture I use is going to have to be cleared out to go sit in storage somewhere until Paul William decides to take it. I don't mind giving up the stuff--I just hate the idea of having to do this massive clean-out right now. Lord knows, it would be nice to have some ordinary dressers whose drawers don't stick. And a couch with actual padding. The problem is that I don't have those things; all the dressers are full of clothes, and Brendan and I are sleeping on the bed frames. Many of Addy's little tables are just being stored here, but need to be dug out from beneath stacks of cardboard boxes.
It's just such a lot of work.
Oddly enough, in all the years I've known Jim, I've met John, his brother, maybe once. There was a problem between John and the rest of his immediate family, the nature of which I do not know. Addy and Jim talked a lot about John, but never wanted to discuss the estrangement. I didn't press. Not my business.
I was raised an only child and so have no idea how to deal with siblings, other than my own kids. Their relationship is complicated enough.
I don't know what to say to John. Jim hadn't said anything much to him in years. I can understand his coming to Jim's memorial, but why does he want to talk to me? If he thinks I know the hows and whys of his relationship with his parents, he will be disappointed, because I honestly have no clue.
"Curiouser and curiouser," said Alice.
This nightmare just never ends, does it, Ronni?
ReplyDeleteWhat a heartless bunch of bastards!
Please just delete this if you think it is offensive. I'm back to being angry for you. Really, really mad!
It's OK, Mgt! I don't think they see themselves as being heartless. He left it to PW, and they are helping PW get what's coming to him. That's all it is. They just don't understand the circumstances. Perhaps "Betty can explain what has been going on, and get them to cut me some slack. It's not as if I'm opening a booth at the Antique Mall, or anything, you know?
ReplyDeleteRonni, do you think they will allow you to continue to use the furniture since you don't have anyting to replace it? If they're just going to throw it in storage, why not store it with someone who really needs it?
ReplyDeleteHope you were able to sleep last night. Leaving the TV on is something I do when I'm alone. I don't like the silence.
Good morning, Ronni.
ReplyDeleteThis is quite a strange situation you are soon finding yourself encountering with Jim's brother.
I think if I were you, I'd just pretend I was on the witness stand testifying in a case where I didn't want to be involved.
Not necessarily a hostile witness situation. More like answering with the standard, "I'm really not sure. I don't remember. I'll have to think about that. Can I answer that after I give it some thought?" etc., etc.
You don't really owe John anything, so just lend an ear. That's probably all he wants anyway.
Good luck.
I'm still thinking of you and praying for your strength, and courage.
We have a furniture bank up here in Michigan. I'm not really sure who qualifies, but you might check and see if the Austin area has one. I know they only accept the nicest, well taken care of furniture as donations.
At least you could get some bed frames and a couch and some tables for your home. It's worth a phone call or two.
Coming to your home and removing your furniture is heartless, Ronni. No matter how you look at it or see it.
ReplyDeleteNot going to give you a hard time? What is that supposed to mean?
Let them unpack the stuff themselves.
Thanks, Monica. I'm sure that there is furniture available--there are lots of folks in the theater who probably have a spare couch lying around. The problem is that I don't want to be in a position to have to accept that. I want to be able to save up and go to Ikea, or somewhere, and buy what I want, piece by piece, as I can afford it.
ReplyDeleteMgt, I think that, if they decide to get it all right now, I will absent myself, and leave Betty in charge while they do so.
ReplyDeleteRonni, I haven't said much lately but I've been checking on you daily. Maybe you're right, maybe they don't know that you are USING these family heirlooms. But even if they don't, even if they truly believe that you are well off and will never miss them, it is tacky and tasteless and vile and shameful that they would swoop in like a flock of vultures when Jim has only been dead for two weeks and haul off your stuff. I think not being there when they come is a good choice. Answering questions like a hostile witness is also a good idea. You must take the high road, I know that. But wouldn't you just love to give them all a piece of your mind? I know I would, and I don't even know the folks. Sending prayers for peace and patience, Carol
ReplyDeleteIt's a good idea to absent yourself, Ronni.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Carol. They haven't tried to make amends in all these years, then swoop in like vultures?? Oh my, indeed!
Partly, it's that I'm afraid they will blame me for Jim's death. If I had been a better wife, etc., etc.
ReplyDeleteI suppose I will always feel guilty about that, because how can I think I did my best, when I didn't even know the problem was that severe? How could I have missed all those signs? Did the fact that I got fat have anything to do with it? What about my slobby housekeeping?
It's silly to say, "If I had been perfect, would he have been happy?"
But I can't avoid the thought...
Oh, Ronni. No. Don't even go there. I know that I don't "know" you, and I don't "know" Jim, but I've learned a few things in over half a century of living. One is that we can never know everything about anyone. We only know what they want to share with us and what we can observe by being with them over time. The deep, dark parts, well, you just don't know it all. And, Lord knows, if spouses getting fat caused people to end their lives, there wouldn't be many people left! Sloppy house? No. Not it either. Jim's problems were Jim's problems. Could his sloppy housekeeping or weight gain have caused YOU enough grief to take your life? Didn't think so. Like I told you before, I've lost a loved one to suicide and it is my belief that when someone reaches that place,nothing you or I coulda, woulda, shoulda could have brought them back. Be sad for your loss, grieve, be mad, but try not to blame yourself. Time will lead you to a place where you'll see it wasn't your fault. For now, just take our word for it. ~~ carol
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if you liked Ikea. I was just there last weekend with Alexis and got her a shelving unit for her bedroom. I do love that place.
ReplyDeleteWith that being said, make sure to check out your local Craigslist everyday. People sell Ikea furniture on there for even cheaper all the time.
You might be able to afford a couple of pieces sooner than you think.
I know you must be so overwhelmed with all the suggestions and thoughts and emotions that are coming at you right now.
Take a minute to breathe very very deeply in and out for approximately 5 seconds each breath. Do this for about 5 minutes each day. This is something like meditation and it helps your body receive oxygen, clarity, and calm.
It really does work. I promise.
Ronni, blaming yourself is a quite natural reaction to Jim's suicide. You must stop those thoughts in their tracks, however.
ReplyDeleteIf all those things you mentioned were causes for suicide, more than half of the country would have offed themselves by now.
It's simply not the case. You know that, too.
The man students and friends alike have described is not the kind of man who would have gone to such desperate measures over such insignificant issues, Ronni.
ReplyDeleteDon't do that to yourself. Jim doesn't sound like a man who expected anyone to be perfect.
The reason you didn't see this coming is because he didn't want you to. His reasons will never seem good enough to you, because you will always think you could have done something or said something to change his mind.
The reality is, that no-one could have done anything.
Apologies if this sounds insensitive.
I really do know that my imperfections are not the cause of Jim's suicide; however, I can't help but try and see it from his brother's perspective. How much more do you grieve for a brother from whom you've been estranged? With whom you will now never have a chance to reconcile?
ReplyDeleteI apologize for sounding so self-pitying. It's not my usual state, and I know it will pass.
Off to work, now. Back later.
ReplyDeleteWhat Jim DID has NOTHING to do with you. Even if you had been "perfect" it wouldn't have changed anything. You still wouldn't have been able to read his mind and take care of whatever emotional problems he was dealing with.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't pack up a thing for Jim's relatives. Let them see that they will be taking things you are using. Then they may at least consider some sort of time table for getting them in the future when you've been had time to replace everything.
Thinking of you everyday.
I think this is a process that you will have to go through to get to the other side, Ronni.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound like self-pity to me. You have been there, steadily keeping us up to date each day. I think you will probably always have little pangs of guilt but I'm sure that is only natural.
Any demons that Jim's brother will be fighting are of his own making. There have been many years where he could have assuaged his guilt. He chose not to.
Seeing is believing when it comes to his brother's guilt. I think you may be a bit premature on that one.
You deserve to stand tall in their presence, Ronni.
I've been cleaning house (way overdue!!) and it gave me plenty of thinking time. Maybe these relatives really have no clue. Let them see that you are using these things. You have a choice. You could ask them if you could continue to use them until you reach a point where you can replace them, assuring them that they would get them in time. Or, if you don't want to do that, let them do their own packing and hauling. And you be somewhere else. I sure feel for you. My pride would probably get in my way and I would choose to live in a bare house before I would ask. But if I were in THEIR place, I would want you to let me know your needs. If they had half a brain and the consideration of a cat, they would have asked if you were using them before making storage plans. Geez.
ReplyDeleteAnd another thing, if Jim's brother is a thinking man, maybe he is thinking how HE could have made a difference for his brother. It's not all on your shoulders, Ronni. If I were the brother I would have a million regrets right now.
ReplyDeleteI'll check in tomorrow, Ronni. I hope you have a peaceful night.
ReplyDeleteDear everyone
ReplyDeletethanks for your comments . I agree that nothing Ronni could or should have done could have prevented Jim's actions. I will be visiting with the family to make sure they understand the situation. If worst gets to worst; I have two bags of very old, very dry, antiques made by Addie's cats many years ago to share with them.
Thanks again for all your kind remarks and gifts to Ronni. I have been blessed to see the joy on her face (and tears of gratitude)when she received them. I had to return home to collect some more meds.but will be back with R. this weekend.
Betty
If you have any concerns about my qualifications for the job ahead: I taught high school special ed. for 32 years without being shot or sued.
A few weeks ago I gave away a truck load of good furniture to the Salvation Army. They wouldn't even take an end table that had a ring on it. I like to think that somehow the universe will send something equal to the same type of place in TX for you.
ReplyDeleteIf people know that you need things, they will happily give you what they are not using. I would have been thrilled to know that someone could use what I couldn't.
Betty, thanks for your comments. I'm so glad Ronni is blessed with a friend like you. Maybe if you tell these people the circumstances they will leave things alone for now. And if you managed 32 years of high school sp ed, you can surely handle this with class and dignity.
ReplyDeleteYou go, Betty! You sound like a really good, caring friend. So glad you are there for Ronni.
ReplyDeleteI am way too far away.
Ronni has been a great source of good advice to me in the past and I wish I could just sit down with her have little chuckle now and then. This is such a heavy burden.
Ronni, grrr, this makes me mad!
ReplyDeleteIf PW is supposed to be the recipient, shouldn't he be the one collecting the heirlooms? I'd be concerned about his parents taking all of the antiques whether he said he wanted them or not.
I'm sorry if this is insensitive, but from a legal standpoint I think he should be the one saying "I want those, and that, and these," not someone Jim was estranged from.
Vix
Vix, that's exactly how I feel. But PW is in Oregon and his parents are here in TX. I'm sure he feels he should delegate the job to them.
ReplyDeleteI am not comfortable with the situation, that's for sure.\
Quick lunchtime fly-by.
Will be home later.
It sounds like Jim kept a lot of things from you, Ronni, including the reasons why he felt he couldn't go on. You were exactly what Jim wanted. A loving wife who let him be. You didn't insist that he tell you everything. And if you had, it may have pushed him away. Did he complain about your weight? Did he complain about the house? I would be surprised if you said yes. Jim was probably so preoccupied with his own demons and self-loathing that he could hardly notice much less be critical to the point of suicide over such minor details. If anything, I'm sure you must have been a steady and comforting presence in his life that he would have been lost without. You may have kept him alive longer than you know. If you think of Jim's dark place in his mind like a cancer spreading through a body until there is no healthy tissue left to sustain life, maybe it would help you to see that nothing you did caused him to kill himself, and nothing you could have done would have stopped him. Like you said, he was a very good actor. You could no more have stopped that horrible progress in his mind any more than you could stop cancer.
ReplyDeleteIf his family can't see that, well, a fat lot of good they did Jim while he was alive. Unlike yourself, who did nothing but love him.
Also, in the event you wind up having no furniture, you might try freecycle.com. There's a yahoo group for Austin (patch the next 2 lines together for the complete URL): http://groups.yahoo.com
ReplyDelete/group/AustinFreecycle/.
You might find things you need while you save for the things you want. For free. And you help the environment at the same time.
Ronni, for what it's worth, I think PW should make the effort to come himself instead of sending his parents for you to deal with at such a stressful time. I just feel that's a very passive aggressive way for him to handle his brother's death.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can feel the love coming at you from all angles. I'm so sorry you're going through all this, and wish you only the best.
Thank you, Betty, for being there by Ronni's side throughout this trying time. You are a true angel.
The furniture deal really pisses me off. It would be different if it were already sitting in storage and not in use every day.
ReplyDeleteDon't you dare go blaming yourself for anything!
As far as Jim's brother, well, I would bet he is filled with guilt over the long estrangement. You don't owe him any answers, even if you had them. As you said, it was before your time and you didn't ask.
I would like to send heartfelt thanks to Betty for being there with you. There are so many of us who wish we were closer so I hope Betty can absorb some of that love and energy from us and give it to you with her wonderful support.
Wait a minute! Before anything gets given to anyone, shouldn't Jim's debts be paid? Why are you being left with bills and those antiques are to be given to family before the bills are paid?
ReplyDeleteEvery estate has to settle the debts before giving away the assets and those antiques are assets. Am I incorrect here?
In the meantime, if they insist on taking them now they should pay for their removal under your supervision. Sorry, you have stored them for years getting rid of your own possessions to make room for them, leaving you without your own furniture.
Wow, I am with you CG. A will must be probated and debts resolved before anything leaves the house.
ReplyDeleteAt least this was my experience in Texas and also when my French aunt died.
Have you had any legal advice Ronni? Surely there is some service that can advise you.
I just signed up for the freecycle in SLO as we have furniture in the garage that needs a home. What a neat operation that is.
I will stay tuned to your channel.
Ronni, Countrygirl has an excellent point. Bottom line, I think these relatives are really rushing things. No estate is settled instantly. They are taking advantage of your state of distress and confusion. You shouldn't feel like you have to hand over your home furnishings without so much as a second thought. Perhaps there is somewhere you could get some legal advice. Does the will have to be filed with anyone? I know very little about such things, but this is sounding 'fishier and fishier'.
ReplyDeleteDear Ronnie, I have mentioned on the blog before that my family have lost someone through suicide, the reason I mentioned this is, because I saw my own mother going through these issues with family. It was her mother that committed suicide. I was going to tell you what Country Girl, has already said,is there anywhere in your community that has free legal advice?
ReplyDeleteJim was an adult Ronni, he could help do housework if he wanted the house spick and span, this did not happen because you got fat. You beautiful thing, don't even go there.
I saw my Mother and Grandfather, wonder everday, what they missed, if only they could have seen the signs.
But they never got the answer, they have both passed on since, but we still wonder WHY!
And Betty I love you, what a wonderful friend you are.
Keep writing Ronni, all my love from downunder.x
Them there family, sure moves quick, can you get Betty to check if they have heart beats?
ReplyDeleteUNBELIEVABLE
Something isn't right regarding the furniture.
ReplyDeleteMay I ask who is the named executor of the will? If there isn't one, this goes to probate.
It seems that, at the very least, they should have a power of attorney from their son to remove things on his behalf.
Please don't be bullied by the Buzzards. What is the worst that can happen? They will become estranged oh never mind.
I cannot stand to see people mistreated.
I have to take the Will up to probate court, but it won't be until after the memorial. They are telling me I need a lawyer, but Betty has a friend who has passed the bar, though not practising, from whom we are getting advice. It looks as though I can get it probated without a lawyer.
ReplyDeleteSo, nobody gets nothing out of this house till after the Will has been probated.
Gotcha.
I agree with CG and everyone who believe the antiques should stay right where they are - in your house.
ReplyDeleteIf my husband had made a will and did not tell me what to expect, I would be very upset. Most couples leave everything to the surviving spouse unless there is something specifically agreed upon.
Even if it ends up that PW in Oregon is entitled to some of the furniture, HE should at least come himself at a later date once Jim's estate has been settled. If Jim did not specify which items he considered family heirlooms, who is to say what you have to give up? I doubt Jim meant PW could come, pick and choose and leave you with whatever was left. Sounds rather vague and they are definitely rushing the process. I would not allow anyone to come in your house and take anything until you get legal advice.
SO glad you have Betty to help you deal with all this. She sounds like someone who can and will do the job very well.
Freecycle is good place to get furniture and all kinds of things.
Before I could post, I see your comment that you ARE getting legal advice and will stand firm on nothing being removed until his estate is settled.
Gads! You have not even had the Memorial Service yet! What's the rush? Grrrr!
Heh. Maybe they have a "Prior" commitment!
ReplyDelete~sorry~
Could be, Vero! Happy that your sense of humor is intact.
ReplyDeleteAlways thinking of you and want you to know lots of people have your back. But, you know this.
Sleep well - snuggle with the kitties.
They won't sleep with me. They want Jim.
ReplyDeleteHi Ronni,
ReplyDeleteJust stopped by to let you know I'm thinking of you and wishing all the best for you, as well as keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Sending lot of love and good thoughts from Kentucky,
Val
Hi Ronni,
ReplyDeleteThat "Prior" coomment just cracked me up! Glad to see the mischevious side of your Gemini duality is intact!
Craigslist also has a free section under For Sale. I know one young couple who furnished their entire apartment that way.
Catholic Charities is very helpful here in SF. One of my friend's son is working for them in New Orleans. I'll call him and get the skinny.
Surely there's legal aid in Austin? Call the local Bar Assn. They can refer you to Probate attorneys who can provide pro bono consultations.
Carpe diem, honey!
XXOO,
Robin
Ronni, It sounds like you are getting some good advice about getting a lawyer. It just seems like you are being rushed. Do things on your time, not theirs.
ReplyDeleteYou're still in my thoughts and prayers.
Suzyinpgh
I have a free 1/2 hour consultation with a lawyer as part of Jim's benefit package. Betty is talking to her friend the lawyer to get our ducks in a row, so as to make the most of our free half hour.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I can afford two minutes of consultation on my own.
Thanks for everyone's good wishes and prayers.
I can feel them.
Ronni,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry it continues in such a fashion for you. I am sad and angry and even still continue to keep thoughts of love through this situation for you, too.