Friday, August 19, 2011

It's That Time Again

Eight hours from now, it will be four years since Jim shot himself.  He was not a "victim" of suicide.  He deliberately and with forethought decided that life was no longer worth living, and he took himself off.  OK.  It was his life, and I have to (grudgingly) admit that he had that right.

We had even talked about how we didn't want to "linger."  How, diagnosed with something terminal and awful, suicide was a preferable option.  I know he knew what he was doing.  My biggest problem has always been that he didn't share his fears for his health with me.  I still think he could at least have gone to a doctor and been tested for whatever it was that terrified him so.  How is this not something a couple should share and discuss?

Anyway, here I am, dwelling on that night and my sad feelings. 

I will never forget his eyes, when I kissed him goodnight.

Of course, in retrospect, everything that happened takes on significance that it never would have had on a normal night.  It's only because my life changed forever in an instant that I remember these things. 

If this sounds as if I'm still sort of mixed up...well, pretty much.

But it stays in the box most of the time.


  1. I hope you're being ok with yourself. You're ok with me. ;-)

  2. ronni,
    i am so sorry for all the pain that you have had to endure since that horrible night.

    you will never fully understand the reasons why he did it until you see him again.

    i bet he will tell you that he made a terrible mistake and regrets all of the hurt he caused you, brendan and others.


  3. Thinking of you on this hard anniversary.

  4. Dear Ronnie...I am sending big hugs and wonderful thoughts your way today...

    Tomah Belle

  5. Take care ... enjoy the drive ... remember the moments.