Thursday, January 13, 2011

Midwinter Blues

It's cold.  I know...all my friends and family in northern climes will laugh at this, but I have got used to Texas in the past 40 years, and am no longer acclimated to cold.  Anything below 40° F is not only cold, it's damn cold!  It has been like that for several days.

My heating unit (I guess they are not "furnaces" any more) went out, so Chandra bought a radiator-style space heater, plus we have two heaters Lynn gave me last year (a fervent "Thanks," Lynn!)...but still.  It's cold.

Have I mentioned that there is no heat at work?  It costs a fortune and takes forever to heat the two-storey warehouse, so we just tough it out.  Ramona has a space heater for the front office, and I wish for sewing days, rather than pulling days or putting away days while it's cold.

Cold, due to my background in Canada, equates with poverty, and (checks wallet) surprise, surprise...cold and poor.

So, I'm depressed.  And where do I go in my thoughts when I'm depressed?  Back to August 20, 2007, of course.  Crap and double crap.  I am lonely.  There is no warm person with whom to snuggle.  There is nobody to rub my shoulders.  There is nobody to say "I love you."  There is a Jim-sized hole in my heart that will probably always be there.  It's still raw and still bleeding.  I fill my life with family, friends and theater, but all the people and activities I love can't fill that hole.

You all help, and I am grateful for each of you.  I can't imagine how bad it would be without you.  If I were truly alone, I probably would have driven Minni Miata off a cliff by now.

I can't help it that occasionally that still seems like a good idea.

17 comments:

  1. Aww Ronni - I keep praying that Jim-sized hole gets filled!

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  2. Hang in there, Mom. This weather gets to me, too, plus it makes my Fibro feel worse. At least it's not cold and WET ...

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  3. I am of the opinion that 2007 was a very bad year. The absolute worst for me. I lost my grandmother in Jan, a truly great 13 year old dog I had raised from a 5-week pup in Feb, a good friend in March, a drunk next door neighbor missed his driveway, pulled into mine and totaled my classic '72 Chevy Nova on the morning of July 5th, Donna in September, and Angela's husband, Abbie's father, in Dec. I have tried to figure out why that particular year was so very bad for me and mine, but I have come up with no answers. I guess you just reach a point where Life stops giving you things and starts taking them away. I'm really sorry about Jim, Ronnie. I really am. I got so fucking tired of people telling me it would get better. I am sorry to have to tell you that for me, it never really has. Best wishes, and hope for an early thaw.

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  4. Oh, John...don't think you are telling me anything I don't already know...I am so sorry that 2007 was a bad year for you, as well.

    I'm impressed that you still had the Nova until then! I never forgot Phil Reeder's comment about you: "A swarthy young man in a brown Chevrolet!" LOL!

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  5. Yeah, especially since now I am a grey-haired old man in a white Chevrolet.

    Ever hear the phrase: "Man fears time, time fears the Pyramids"?

    Bullshit. Time fears nothing.

    So, we will just have to carry on in the best style we can.

    No Miatas over cliffs. Ever. Call me first.

    Back to work for me.

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  6. Well, I might, if I had your number...

    Grey hair? Really? I'll bet you look distinguished!

    Let's get together for beer or something...I can drive now, you know. You only have to come to Wmsn Cty to see the show...

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  7. Hey Ron,

    I love your candor, and I hope in some way, having people here to hear you is a bit of help. I appreciate you telling your truth. And I'm thinking of you.

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  8. Thanks, y'all! You have no idea how much...

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  9. Sorry Ronni--so so sorry.

    Feel better. . .

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  10. You know, Ronni--sometimes when I am missing my Jim, I sign into his email and write me a letter from him. I usually do it on New Year's Eve (our favorite holiday) and my birthday.

    It is amazing that it feels so much better to do it.

    The hole in my heart has never gone away--but slowly it is being filled with life adventures that did not include him--sad but true.

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  11. can you pile all of the kitty cats onto your bed?
    they can serve as little heaters.

    i'm sorry that you are cold and feeling blue.

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  12. My heat pump is the original and I dread even thinking of it quitting. Knock on wood!
    Chin up - I feel blue these winter months at times, but manage to take it a day at a time.
    Keeping busy as you do helps so much. Family support is also a godsend. On the plus side for you, Ronni.

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  13. Ronni,

    You can't go anywhere! We need you here to cheer up people like you did Ronni B. when she was getting all the scurrilous Email recently...

    Cheer yourself up if you can by thinking of all the people who are writing to you now to support you.

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  14. I still think of you and Jim, Ronni. Because I have been away so long, it kinda feels like yesterday for me.

    I may be on another case now, but I still love y'all :) and do you think I could darn well remember the name of your blog? Nope. It wasn't til a friend told her husband of with a "ffs Ron, stop ranting, you're talking crap!" that I remembered what it was called, lol.

    Anyway, honey, I thought I'd pop in and let you know that I have never forgotten you xxx

    big hugs
    Sami
    xxx

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  15. Sami! Damn, girl! It's good to hear from you! I had been thinking about you just a couple of weeks ago!

    I'm following 2 or 3 cases, but none of them in the depth we followed Peterson! Too much real life stuff to deal with! Check in when you have time, and let me know what you are up to these days.

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  16. Hey gorgeous!

    I am on facebook as Tracy PI, or you can find my blog at www.civilinvestigationsaustralia.info

    I working as a P.I full time now and just got accepted into law school on top of that. I am dogging Casey Anthony's trial, lol, but am also on an innocence case..in Texas! I will be over there around the end of October for meetings with client and her attorneys. I love my 'new life' and being a P.I I can stick my nose in all kinds of places, annoy attorneys and generally be a PIA too, lol. I don't know why I chose Civil Investigations Australia as I do criminal and defense investigations and have no time for civil work, but I think it was because letters C.I.A amused me, haha.

    Peterson :(

    big hugs
    Sami
    xxx

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