Thursday, August 20, 2009

It Has!

It has been two long years. Two years filled with misery and depression and sadness and pain. Two years in which I've cried almost daily, put on fifty pounds and sucked down a small fortune in pain-killers. Two years in which my house has gone to rack and ruin, in which over half the cats Jim left me with have either died or gone to live with somebody else, because even they can't stand to be around me. Two years in which my house has taken on an aura of death and decay, my finances have gone to hell in a hand basket, I've outgrown all my clothes, my hair has halfway gone grey, and the bags under my eyes from sleeplessness and crying have become permanent.

Two years. My friends and family have done their best to keep me going and remind me that I have a lot to live for. Two years of putting one foot in front of the other and trying to remember to eat right. Two years of laughing loudly at anything even remotely funny, because they say laughter is the best medicine. Two years of needing to fix a lot of things, and not having the means or energy to do any of it.

Two years of loving and missing Jim; of raging at his ghost, and of hating myself.

What's next?


  1. It goes away eventually. I think I'm pretty much normal now. Whatever that is. I'm not the same, but I've been feeling less crazy the past year or so. Less angry too. The first couple years were the Worst, you've gotten through that, it'll get better.

  2. Hang in there, Friend. I love you.

  3. Nadine! Where have you been? I've missed you...

    Chandra, that is very encouraging...

  4. You're still here. Still living, loving and blogging. And mourning. Life will be better than it is now, As Chandra said, not the same, but better than it is right now.

  5. My computer died a couple of weeks ago. Even the "spare" one won't boot up. I've been using my son's laptop to check email. Frustrating.

  6. I have spent a week trying to think what I could say today. I do think of you every day but seem to have less and less to say.

  7. Oh, Betty...I bet if we got together we'd talk the night away...I've been thinking of you, too!

  8. Just wanted to say you are a joy to me, Ronni, and I appreciate you and your friendship.


  9. I thought about you today and you know why.

    Your blog says it exactly the way it is.

    Losing the weight comes in the 3rd year. Get ready, my friend.

    Let me know how you spend your Friday.

    Best regards--always.

  10. Thanks to all of you for your kind words. Tomorrow, I'll be back at work and at rehearsal in the evening.

  11. Hi Ronni, I thought of you last night and started to ask you out for dinner. I didn't know why exactly, except Gene wasn't home and I thought it might be fun, then I just let the time get away and snacked at home instead. I completely forgot what a horrible anniversary today is for you. I am so sorry and don't know what else to say. My apologies once more for not being a more reliable friend. Please feel free to call me whenever you need to talk or walk or cry or anything. ...t

  12. Tracie, I don't expect everybody to remember...I had rehearsal, anyway, and went to that...Thanks for thinking of me.

  13. I know what a hard day it was for you Ronni. I was there in spirit, especially last night.

    You are a very special person; a treasure actually. Wish we lived closer so we could hang out.

  14. what's next?
    a big comforting hug, if only i were there.

    be gentle with yourself, ronni.
    many of the things that you mentioned can be fixed.

    you don't have to do it all at once.
    some of them don't even matter.

    who cares if there's a bit of gray hair or a whole head full?

    a ton of people have the same problems. no one has any money or energy.

    the most important thing is to be around the people who love and adore you.

    there are many in round rock and even more in cyberspace...

  15. Ronni:

    How was the weekend? Hope you made it through OK--not great, but OK.

    Come to NYC--we will go to the theater. My treat. You deserve a nice trip away from it all.

    Let me know when you want to come.

    Your friend.

  16. Right now, that sounds like heaven, but there is no way that I will be going any further than the nearest Walmart for quite some time to come. I will, however, be in touch as soon as I win the lottery...

  17. Oh stop it--I told you it was my treat. Let me know when you can get away. . and if I should buy Rockettes tickets. Christmas season is a fun time in NYC--its just a bit colder than you are used to.

    See you soon.

  18. Hugs, Ronni. I haven't forgotten you.
    It's hard to believe but it's more than 8 years since my husband died, under very different circumstances from Jim. So the loss is not the same, but still loss. I've also reconnected with a sister-in-law who's husband recently died. Reliving things in a way, seeing things from a slightly different but familiar perspective. The wound has healed, I think. The scar will remain forever.

  19. Hi, Mysty! I've been missing you...Thanks for your kind words...