There's another 2002 red Miata in town, driven by a 50-ish gentleman with grey hair and a full grey beard. Jim used to see him often, as he lives somewhere in the vicinity of Cedar Valley Middle School, where Jim taught.
Whenever I see a man who resembles Jim, it gives me a turn, no matter how superficial the resemblance, and, in the grocery store just now, I saw the familiar grey head and beard. I looked away quickly, lest my staring might be misinterpreted.
Pulling out of the parking lot, there he was, in his red Miata. I waved, and let him go ahead of me...
By the time I got home, I had to sit a minute in the driveway to stop crying.
Does this ever end?
Photo courtesy of mtnwmn
ronni,
ReplyDeletei'm not sure something like that ever ends but maybe the pain will finally let up.
love you.
I hope it will, Surf!
ReplyDeleteme, too, you...
your miata could have a date with his miata. you might like the owner!
ReplyDeleteWould you rather not have any memories at all. Some people (me too)find they become more greatfull for their memories the longer you have them; things do seem easier as time go on.
ReplyDeleteBetty
Surf, I think he's married.
ReplyDeleteHe is interesting, though. He used to come into the New York Deli, wearing a yarmulke, and order a ham sandwich.
Betty, you're right. I wouldn't want to lose the memories. I just want to stop being hit with waves of sadness...
I know the death of my best friend of 23 years in 2001 still can't compare with the death of a spouse. But I still grieve for him a lot, even after all this time. But here's something that has started ever so slowly to change for me: certain things that used to make me so sad I can now think of as signs that my friend is near. There is a certain city name I see on I35 that was a special place for us. It's a small sign and you really have to be looking for it to see it. I don't pass it often, but when I do, it used to make me burst out crying. Now when I see it, it is a little like pennies from Heaven, and now I can smile and say a silent "Hello" to him and I think it's a sign he is giving me, that he is there for me, that he remembers me too. I know it sounds goofy, and I'm getting teary just writing about it. I just hope someday you will find some peace and comfort in your memories of a true love and not just the sadness for the life and love that was taken away from you so quickly and so brutally.
ReplyDeleteI was just discussing pennies from the beyond, RIGHT NOW on a crime board. Cool.
ReplyDeleteWearing a yarmulke and ordering a ham sammy? Sounds like someone I would like!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, the pain fades and is replaced by bitter sweet memories and funny memories and many other emotions. For me it took quite a few years. I don't remember exactly when I realized that I wasn't in pain anymore. But it wasn't a short amount of time.
I had a memory-full weekend (caused by listening to the music we both loved so much) and I didn't feel pain as much as I felt a huge loss - a gap because there is no one else who really loved Duane Allman the way we both did.
I can't say I know how you feel, but I can honestly say that I have plenty of the same emotions. Advice? Let yourself experience them fully - do not repress them. It takes whatever it takes to get through. No detours in this experiential area, gal.
Ronni:
ReplyDeleteBoth you and I know the answer:
NO.
But I dont want it to end. I always want to remember.
Ronni:
ReplyDeleteBy the way--it is time to start thinking about how you are going to mark the 2nd anniversary.
Have you had any thoughts about this?
Susan
I am hoping to be able to take the day off from work and go to San Antonio. Go to Durty Nelly's and have a Guinness and Glenlivet and eat at Shilo's and just walk around. Sort of like I did last year.
ReplyDeleteRonni:
ReplyDeleteWhat great plans.
It will be a good day-and probably something interesting will happen.
I am planning on going to the cemetery--leave a geranium from my treaure trove of plants and listen to Pink's song Who Knew on my iPod. The golden retriever will go with me.
Then go home and go on. . .and say UGH!! But you know that feeling.
Best wishes-we will talk more about this as the actual day approaches.
Its amazing, isnt it?
Susan