Sometimes whole days go by without my seeing Jim as we found him that night. The dark hole in his temple, his gasping breath, and the unreality of seeing him like that.
Today wasn't one of them.
No matter how many times I tell myself that it wasn't about me; that there was nothing I could have done and no way I could have seen what was coming, I still come back to thinking that I failed him in some way. I was supposed to look after him.
After he died, I spent a lot of time railing at him for not living up to his wedding vows, but that wasn't the issue. He actually kept up his end of the bargain. It was my interpretation that was flawed. I think they should rewrite the vows to say "...until natural death do us part."
Maybe I want to think I failed him. Maybe it just makes more sense to believe that I deserve this bleak future.
My dreams are restless, searching for something that always eludes me.
I no longer enjoy romances. I used to love them, but now they seem pointless.
Before I started dating Jim, I had my life sorted. I could look ahead to living alone, surrounded by cats and contentment. Somehow, nursing my unrequited love, that seemed like a good thing. Now, I have to get back there, and it's hard.
A life in which I am completely surrounded by no Jim.