Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Jim at the Theater

I know Jim's spirit is hanging out at the theater. The incident on Opening Night of "The Oldest Profession" made that obvious to several people.

...and then, there's that smell...

But, some days, I think I'm getting a whiff of his depression, as well.

It happened on Sunday, right before the matinee. For some reason, we touched on the subject of "lingering," while we were spackling backstage. Suddenly, a wave of despair rolled over me, and I said that, if I had some disease that would cause me to "linger,"...well...I still have a gun.

I was appalled as soon as the words came out of my mouth, and I scared Susan, which wasn't nice.

It wasn't till later that I realized that I was feeling what Jim must have felt.

Before Jim killed himself, suicide was never really an option for me. I could discuss it in theory, as being preferable to "lingering," but that theory is a far cry from the reality of loving a person who chose that way out.

The door is open. It's there. It's a possibility.

I have been a "glass half full" sort of person; always thinking that, no matter how bad it is, it will get better.

Now, I'm not so sure.

The question is, how much of this feeling is mine, and how much is Jim's? The depression came up from nowhere, in an instant, as I was putting on makeup in the green room.

It's a little scary.


  1. Hello Ronni:

    This is a very powerful story--

    It hit home for me--you express it so well.

    When I felt this way--I rationalized it that my Jim was helping me to understand what happened to him--and hoping I would forgive him.

    Take good care, my friend.

  2. I wonder if I will ever be able to do that?

    Sometimes I think, "well, maybe," and others, I'm not quite sure.

  3. Please sell the gun..

    please please please please.

    I know you wont use it on yourself, you are too strong. But please get rid of it.

    You are in Texas for God's sake. It should be easy to sell.

  4. Ronni:

    Once you start the third year--you will think differently.

    I just read The Grief Club by Melanie Beatty and I really didnt like it.

    Have you read Good Grief? Its interesting.


  5. Hell, it has been years since I fired a gun. I don't even remember how to load it!

    Can't you just imagine me calling somebody, "Hey, can you come over and load this thing for me? I want to shoot myself..."

  6. Hi Ronnie, Thanks for your comments.
    You know sometimes all we have is our "morbid" sense of humor to get us over bad things. I've used it a time or two myself,most people don't understand it.I'm not worried about your statement,YOU will never do that to yourself or others,and maybe I'm off kilter,but I got a chuckle out of your last statement! lol Who hasn't had weird thoughts at sometime in their lives?hang in there,hopefully somday you will forgive Jim,that's up to you.
    By the way I took some pictures of the start of fall here and posted them for you..though they will get better over the next two weeks as we had are first frost last night! BRRRrrr winter's coming! lol
    I will take more when the colors get stronger! take care..hugs!