Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sad Today

For the first time in twenty-six years, I don't know what day school starts. It will never be starting, for me, again.

I no longer have a child in the school system, and I no longer have a husband who teaches. I no longer have a husband, period.

I don't like not having a husband. I've had nearly a year to get used to it, and I have to tell you that I don't like it one bit.

I've thought about it, and thought about it, and dreamed about it, and thought some more. I can look at it from Jim's point of view, and sometimes I think I'm getting to where I can understand and forgive. Of course, there are still days when I am so angry that I wish I could bring him back just so I could slap him as hard as I could...

I lived for nearly eleven months with his ashes in the drawer of my nightstand, and now, even they are gone; put where he wanted them to be, which was not with me.

I keep telling myself that I lived with loving Jim for many years before he came to love me, and I can live with loving him for many more.

But I no longer want to live to be a hundred. Now, I will live as long as I can, and I will do my best to keep my health, and I will do my best to glean every crumb of joy that comes my way.

But there will never be anyone with whom I can share a love like I did with Jim.

If you have the privilege of living with your love, hug him often. Cook things his mother's way. Never mind his snoring. Just once, for a silly minute, think about what an aching wound it would leave in your life if that person were not there.

That's my reality. That's what I live with, and will, forever.

I had my love for a few years, and now he's gone. Seven years may seem like a long time to some of you, but, at my age, it's only an eighth of my life.

I kissed a lot of frogs in my youth, and even married a couple. I didn't know what love really was, and thought I was in love several times. This time, I gave him all of myself. I held nothing back. If I could have given Jim anything to make his life easier, I would have.

There were only so many times I could say, "I'll make you a doctor's appointment," and get, "I'll be fine," for an answer....

See, there I go again--still trying to take the blame. Or maybe I just hate to have to give it up to chance, or fate, or something over which I have no control. I don't know. Rambling, here...

I KNOW that nobody can control another person. I would not want a husband I felt the need to "control." I just would like to have had some say...why could he not have said, "Ronni, I feel like shit. I'm afraid I have Parkinson's. Everything hurts..." I guess because I had no answers except "Go see a doctor and find out, and then we'll deal with it."

Why was leaving me alone better than that?


  1. Ronni:
    I have been waiting for this email.

    It needed to be written-so good for you that you were able to write it so clearly and honestly.

    You are right in every sentence.

    The second year is the hardest--I am a year ahead of you. But at the end of the second year--there is true joy for the time you had together.

    Trust me.
    Stick with me.
    My Jim's suicide was August 20, 2006 and I am in an OK place.

    After months of not hearing anything--I got a call tonight from his MOM- go figure.

    Take good care.
    You have done everything right--and you will be fine.


  2. During the opening exercises of the Olympics;there were several time I wanted to ask Jim "How they do that?"
    You have grandchildren; so there will be times when you will think about the start of school. I have no answers; only love. Betty

  3. Sending you hugs across the miles, gal.

  4. Susan, I'm sorry you are going though this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If I had one. Which I don't.

  5. Ronni,
    I wish I could ease your pain, but obviously all we can do is tell you that we care for you and we're sorry you're hurting. I had tears when I read your words............I hope I'm never in your place and I hope your pain eases with each passing day.

    You're so strong, even when you don't want to be, and I admire you so much.


    PS. I wish you could have that moment to slap him, too.

  6. Ronni:
    Not being able to help you in a closer way, just know that we are here to listen and understand you.
    Warm hugs,

  7. Ronni,

    I care how your feeling, and wish there was something I could do to bring a little smile to your face, to make you feel less lonely.

    That is a lovely photo the two of you.

    Take care Ronni, and keep writing.

  8. Dear Ronni,

    I feel very sorry for you..

    Can you take any comfort at all in knowing how well you write and how the words that some people bottle up inside themselves, come tumbling out of you?

    And when those words show up in print there are a great many readers who want you to know that we are thinking of you and wishing you the very best....

  9. I cannot begin to imagine your hurt, Ronni.

    Looking back on the (almost) past year, you've done some amazing things .. you have to feel good about that!

    Although I give my hubby lots of hugs, I'll be giving him an extra few tonight .. just cuz of you.

    Hugs to you ....


  10. (((hugs))) - Ronni, you have no idea how much I admire you for your strength.

  11. Ronni:

    I admire your courage through all this--you have a tough year and you have made it.

    Thank you for your kind thought. . last year at the first year anniversary of my wonderful Jim's death (suicide) I was not as peaceful as I am today.

    You are going to be OK--but you have one more difficult year ahead of you. I didnt believe that the second year could be more difficult than then first year--but in a different way it is.

    Then at the end of this coming year for you--you will feel differently. You will really believe that you will love again and you will look forward to a new adventure. I cannot promise you thst you are finished with frogs, however.

    Its amazing when I read your post--it reminded me of where I was--and it made me feel better that I have really survived this horrible chapter of my life. And you will too.

    Stay strong.
    And thank you again for your kind thoughts for me.


  12. I have no advice to offer other than keep writing it out.


  13. This is a hard one for me Ronni. Since seeing your first article and knowing how devasted you must have been, I've been here. I always will be.

    There is only admiration for the way you have dealt with your devastation.

    I'm so sorry this happened to you...

  14. "JT", Oh wow. Honest to God, my heart just breaks for you.
    You are so right, I would never want to be in your place.
    You are a good person, a great person, and you were a great wife and partner to Jim. You loved him and he knew he had your love. You did everything you could do.
    Sometimes there just aren't any answers.
    I send my love and hugs to you.
    Your friend, Gracia

  15. Thank you, Gracia. It's nice to see you here...