I am reminded everywhere I turn of my beloved Jim.
I drove out 620 the other day, and the Powers That Be have decided to extend Great Oaks across it. There's a huge cloud of dust there, and various digging and smoothing machines. My first thought? I would have loved to hear Jim's take on that! We have needed something besides Deepwood Drive connecting 620 with McNeil Road. This town was not very well planned for the amount of growth it's had in the past 20 years. All that came AFTER, "Wouldn't Jim enjoy that?"
Brendan got Guitar Hero for Christmas, and has been playing it constantly. Kind of reminded me of all the years I have lived with musicians, or musician wannabes who practice and cuss all the time. Of which Jim was one. He played ragtime piano, and would frequently be stopping mid-song for a righteous round of profanity. He has smashed up both his hands in his youth, and playing kept them limber.
Brendan may have stepped the game up a level, because there have been a lot of missed notes and suppressed cussing. The game manages to sound worse than an actual missed note on a guitar. That would have driven Jim nuts.
See? I'm doing it again...
Do you feel that you have passed through any of the "phases", Ronni?
ReplyDeleteI'd love to have been a fly on the wall with all that cussing going on. Probably similar to my language when I tried out my new protable typewriter (yes, that's about the extent of my musicality). Oh man, those things are tricky.
Yes, Mgt, over and over. It's as if I'm caught in an endless cycle of sorrow and anger.
ReplyDeleteOf course, there is nothing to do other than work your way through this.
ReplyDeleteMy poor old Auntie lost her husband to a heart attack almost 30 years ago. Her pain is still very raw when she speaks about him.
I may have been wrong but we were sitting having tea one afternoon, after having been out for a fancy lunch, and I decided to ask her how it happened, what she went through and how she coped that day. Her pain was visable but I think she needed to talk about it to someone. After that she started speaking to me quite freely about him, which is so much better than avoidance.
Hopefully your sorrow and anger will settle at a level that you find a bit more bearable.
Wish I could help somehow Ronni..I wish....hugs
ReplyDeleteNo, Ronni, you have to process that anger and it will take some years. Sorry, but for every year you were together it will take at least that much time to release those emotions. Is there a fast track? I never even found that after divorce # 2. D # 1 was my choice and after 24 years I was detached. When there is an attachment to all of the past experiences together, there will be constant sources of tears. Good friends and support from the likewise people will take you through. Let moi see, as she is not very good with numbers except for my birthday ones. I first had a hint at my 50th birthday. June of 1996 that he was not present. The divorce occured or occurred on the 1 1/2 years later on my 52nd one. I was as low as a toad. Snake in the road. I did not know or understand what had happened. I am the one who filed, as I was being so terribly diminished. I still feel that angst. I am now 61 and a half. It will not be easy, your ease is in your self-confidence ratio. When the blocks are knocked out from beneath you, it takes time to regain your worth. Believe moi, you are worthy. Nothing and nobody can replace Jim for you. Just keep the faith that you will turn a corner and have a break-through from the fog/flashes of memory and the real physical reminders which you will feel driving, sitting, thinking, eating, for a long time. Just know that you are not alone. My loss was as real to me as a death. It still is that in some ways. Although I have moved forward, there is still a cursing going in the nether-regions of my brain as to effin wot-the-effen-hail happened that I totally missed. I am with you deario. The screaming in the car with all the windows closed and the running and expending energy will defuse it temporarily. Only time makes it fuzz over with some kind of perspective. Time passes slowly, I know that. All love to you
ReplyDeleteRonni and know that I already wish that I were on the blobbergoogs. I am frusterated and poop.
Minimal to your angst and feelings and process. Take your time. Weep and scream. (away from child and animals) Primal screams are good.
Sending hugs across the miles.
ReplyDeleteHi Ronni, I'm here, just don't have much to add.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has a job interview at Yorkhill Hospital tomorrow morning. She has do bus hop as it is diagonally the other side of Glasgow. Have decided to take the morning off and "bus it" with her. Then I will make my way to work at about 11:30 am.
She may just be lucky and this will change her life, for the better.
Sounds great, Mgt!
ReplyDeleteWhenever I've lived in a city with public transportation, I've always tried to occasionally ride all over, just to see where I live.
I once knew a woman who had lived in Austin for 10 years, and still only knew how to get to work, the store, the doctor and church. I thought that was sad, and got her out on a bus tour. She was so afraid of getting lost that she never went anywhere. I got her a bus schedule and a map.
Take some pictures if you can.
Thing is, she has been all over Glasgow with me in the car, she doesn't have "bus sense" either..similar to your friend.
ReplyDeleteIn her mind, my directions seem complicated. I just want to do the trip with her tomorrow, so that she can seem how familiar the bus stops actually are to her, then she will not feel daunted if she gets offered a job. It is a long way for her to travel each day, but she desperately needs this, for her sanity.
She is so worried about being late for the interview.
Wish I could offer something other than hugs but it seems I can't add anything to what has been written. ((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteI was turning out on to O'Connor one day last week, and as I was waiting for traffic on both sides to clear, a car passed by.
ReplyDeleteIt was a little red Miata, with the top down. There was a white-haired man (his hair was a little thicker on top) in the driver's seat and he was holding a cigarette with his elbow resting in the same spot where there's a dent in Mini.
I burst into tears.
I've seen him several times. How sad...
ReplyDelete