I feel very detached from Christmas. All those schmaltzy carols seem to be singing about somebody else. Some other person's Christmas may be white, or may involve exchanging gifts with their loving spouse, or may involve days of cooking yummy things.
Not mine.
I keep thinking I may be coming out of the sorrow and grief that has been like wading knee-deep in molasses for the past (almost) four months, but I am not. I manage to ignore it a lot of the time and go about my business. Christmas, though, is going to be a problem. I have always been one of those sloppy sentimentalists who cries upon seeing Hallmark commercials. This year, it's Hallmark commercials, Christmas carols, pictures of Santa, pictures of Christmas trees, thoughts of eggnog...
In short, I'm a crying fool.
Along with my inherent sentimentality, I am also a romantic. I love the story of my relationship with Jim. It is such a beautiful story. I felt like a princess, like Rapunzel, like Cinderella. When you love a person as long as I loved Jim, when you love his mother (no, really), when you share core values, and STILL your heart leaps when he walks in the room, it's just not fair to have it all go away.
I have developed a new appreciation for my daughter, who was widowed in 2001, and still keeps on plugging.
I guess, on some level, I still don't really believe Jim is gone. I expect to hear his voice on the phone, his booming laugh, his snore. I still sleep on my sliver of the bed.
It is so difficult to believe that I will no longer have that romance in my life. Lord knows, I was so very lucky to have it once, even if for less than ten years. Most of us never know the joy of mutual love. I keep telling myself that. "Better to have loved and lost"...etc. Still. The part of me that spins around when I hear a cough just feels cheated out of my "happily ever after."
SSS used to say, "Life's a bitch, and then you die."
For me, life was a bitch, and then I married the man I loved, and then he died. By choice.
Was it all a lie?
Oh Ronni, there are no words to console, to ease the pain, to make the sadness less; so I'll just say that I'm here and will be here, as will all your friends who adore you.
ReplyDeleteRonnie, I am truly sorry for what you are going through hun..
ReplyDeleteI miss my my Uncle Jack,and Eric's mom..this is my first X-mas without them,and I can't seem to get in the "spirit" either..I wish things were better for you...and No Ronnie, I don't think it was all a lie..and I don't think you do either...Things happen that we can never explain,and it sucks
BUT that is life...and so onward we march...
(((HUGS)))
Thanks, both CG and terri.
ReplyDeleteBut, terri, don't you see that I can't march onward. I can ignore for short periods of time, but my whole life can't be lived in this limbo.
It's just that it felt so "right" to me. And then he killed himself. Ergo, it couldn't have been "right," do you see?
Therefore, I see only two alternatives: either my judgment sucks the chrome off a trailer hitch, or Jim lied. I just can't see a third alternative.
If my judgment was that far off, I should not even be allowed to cross the street by myself.
My kids don't really need me any more. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I need to be able to trust my judgment.
Oh Ronnie...did you evr think for one moment that maybe he just couldn't help himself?...That maybe something happened inside his brain kinda like a malfunctioning machine, and that he just couldn't stop himself?..It doesn't mean everything was a lie...you did have quite a few years together...and from what you say alot of happiness too!
ReplyDeleteI have never had that kinda of love you describe...I think there is something wrong with me that way.. who knows?..all I know is that you are a very sensitive and funny person, and your MORE then just a "granny"...your YOU..and you have friends who love you!
and you have your readers who love your contributions on here like me!...it's a start at a new life...and I know it's way too early to think about, but if my 80 year oldfather can find a new love after the death of his wife of 20 something years...it will probably happen for you too..if and when you are ready...
I really cant say anything to console you. I know from experience that the first year is the worst. I lost my Dad as a young child, and my sister lost her husband in 2002. Not to suicide mind you, but all in all I have felt and seen the grief.
ReplyDeleteI find myself angry at my sister, because she wont move on, and then I come here and I see the grief saw raw again, that I am trying to understand how after 5 years she is still trying to cope, still threatening suicide to my elderly parents (yes my mom re-married). I want my sister to get help, because I think she is telling the truth, she WANTS to die. The ONLY thing thats stopping her not that any of us kids are ultra religious, is this hard core instilled belief from our religious parents that if we go THAT way, then we wont be with them. Even her threats piss me off, I cant imagine the anger I would have if she actually did it.
I don't think its a lie, what you had though. I think that he didn't tell you everything, and probably thought in his mind if he did you wouldn't love him the way you did, which is ridiculous. But my belief in the whole suicide thing, besides the obvious pain, is that they don't want to burden others with their pain. Selfishly believing that if they just end theirs that it will go away. The last thought has got to be they are better off without me.
I guess I'm vacillating between trying to find a core within, like I used to have before Jim and I got together, and not wanting to, because That holds elements of my rejecting him. I know it doesn't make sense, and it's all very difficult to say, even, let alone dwell on for any length of time.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm not quite ready.
Sweetie, I knew Jim pretty darn well and I can say one thing for sure, his love for you was no lie. Be certain of that.
ReplyDeleteLynn
Bottom line, you need GOD in your life.
ReplyDeleteBottom line:
ReplyDeleteFuck off.
I guess thats what I meant to say. I think that after 4 months its ridiculous for people to think that you can even try. Especially with the holidays. Its depressing for a LOT of people, myself included. I cant imagine it being the first.
ReplyDeleteMoving on and finding a core isnt rejecting him. But I DO think that in such a short period of time its kind of ridiculous for people to start wanting that of you.
You just go on keeping on hon, and it will fall in.
Not sure how anon knows what is in your life or not, but I concur with your response.
ReplyDeleteIf anonymous has read back, it knows that I vacillate among being an atheist, a pagan and an agnostic. Depending on the day, and the weather and my mood.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, time after time, I have heard and read that there is no time frame for recovering from a loss. They say it diminishes, and I sure hope that's true. Because, if I feel the same as I do now in five years, I might be suicidal, too.
In fact, that's one of the most frightening things...the big question...am I going to feel this way forever?
It's a daunting thought.
All I can say is that this all takes so much longer than you imagine it should/would. I have attempted to rush myself as much as the rest of the world has, and it always ends up in a breakdown. So I've tried to stop doing that. The death of a loved one forces you to look into the abyss, and it is scary as hell. It is hell. I cannot imagine the additional heartbreak of dealing with the questions a suicide must bring up; the loss alone is bad enough! I can be sure of one thing, though--the answers lie with him, not within you, not in something you did or didn't do, or misjudged. We all blame ourselves. It was my fault that I didn't nag my sweetie about his health, and didn't do this, that, and the other thing. How could I have been so blind???
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else after this amount of time, I've stopped blaming myself, and him, too, (though I could understand where the latter might be harder for you, as he made a choice). 4 months is not very much time; you are early in this journey and the roller coaster is predictable only in that you know it exists and it's going to have its way with you; give yourself 100 million breaks. You absolutely deserve them. Hugs to you, Ronni.
P.S. I really dig YOUR bottom line. Rock on!
The short periods where you can ignore it get longer and longer. You will only feel this way after 5 years if you refuse to grow and get on with life. As for the woman who still wants to kill herself after 5 years, she has serious mental issues; that thought never crossed my mind. That's the pussy way out. Chaos happens, your measure as a human is in how you deal with it, and you are doing really well.
ReplyDeleteChandra - those are fighting words, considering the woman you are talking about is my sister. I can say it, but you cant.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, my problem with her is that she THREATENS it, to my parents who are pushing 70.
I wont bother you with the garbage that we are pissed about, because there is a lot, and considering she moved back in with them and is doing her best to break them...
Ok, I am mad at her, I wont delete what I just wrote.
I miss her husband too. He was my friend before hers. He died at the EXACT same age as my Daddy, of the same thing, it brought back a lot.
I guess what I am mad at is that she only sees him. Her nieces and nephews on our side are but side effects, the ones on his side are in huge picture frames and that is what she lives for.
What I am sad for is that she is sad, and terribly angry. I brought her to a concert in November and I SWEAR she tried to start physical fights 3 times.
Now, this is why I think it is okay for me to be mad at Jim. He could have talked to you and given you the chance to fight with his demons for him.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you dear Ronni. People hovering and coaxing is the last thing you will want or need right now, but I'm hoping to visit one day. Either you over here or me over there.
Bravo, Chandra! Your mom is doing incredibly well. Having gone through the same crippling kind of loss, qualifies you to give advice on helping her heal.
Wish I had a magic wand, Ronni.
I wish we did, too, Mgt.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
One of the most important things a mother teaches hes child is;Just because you did something wrong does not mean I am going to stop loving you. What everyone needs all the time is to love themselves and others despite their actions and be patient with everyone.
ReplyDeleteBetty
As I'm usually about as patient as a mule with a burr under its saddle, that's a lot easier said than done.
ReplyDelete