I tried. I really, really tried to have a happy Christmas, and my family tried, too.
Except for a little shake in my voice, making our toast to Absent Friends, I didn't come close to crying.
Until I got home.
Thanks so much for trying, all of y'all.
I haven't had such a miserable Christmas since I was 20 and the bass player I had the hots for snuck out in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve and was halfway to Peace River by noon on Christmas Day.
That was the year I cooked my first turkey, and forgot about stuffing.
This year, my heart felt like the cavernous, empty breast of that long-ago bird.
Somebody, please tell me that, someday, I will be happy again...
ronni,
ReplyDeleteyou will be happy again and you aren't responsible for other people's happiness.
you can just be...
I think you would be some kind of super hero if you were able to obtain sincere holiday happiness this early in the grieving process.
ReplyDeleteDon't quit trying for it though. It shall be yours once again in the future. I'm certain.
Much love.
I guarantee the feelings are temporary. I think you're a courageous soul -- and that you felt the way you did on Christmas, was evidence that you are a good good soul too.
ReplyDeleteOur love and thoughts are with you.
You were in my thoughts all day yesterday. For me, scenes from last year overlapped experiences from this year... creating a world of pain. I hope you managed and know you are thought of so many times as we both try to make sense of this. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you,too. I had very similar sensations.
ReplyDeleteJust pure T stubbornness prevented a major meltdown.
I'm going to start out the New Year in hope...
Hang in there, Laura!
Delete me if this is inappropriate, Ronni, but (dotz)
ReplyDeletewhy the hell did Jim do such a selfish, unthinkable thing?
I haven't even met you and it makes me mad you are having to experience this.
Vix
Ronni, I thought about you several times on Christmas Day. Just letting you know you're in my thoughts, and you're a jewel of a person.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the cute card you sent me. It made my day.
We and our days are seldom all happy or all sad. Life is a mixture. Betty
ReplyDelete"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall." The Prophet by Kabil Gibran
Ronni, you express yourself so eloquently. I am so sad for you. I think about you often, and keep up with you here! I hope you find oodles of stuffing in the New Year.
ReplyDeleteDear Ronni,
ReplyDeleteIt's taken me all this time to be able to write something for you for Christmas.
I believe that one day you will be happy again. The courage and strength that you show as you claim one day after another after Jim's passing is proof of that.
I want you to remember one thing sweet Ronni. Happiness is what you make for whatever reason you allow it into your life. It can be something as simple as the childlike joy of a butterfly landing on your nose to reveling in the joy of children.
Happiness is never one big thing. It is made up of many little things that make you smile, even just a little bit for a short time.
We love you Ronni. We are here for you come hell and high water, whether you wish to talk or just sit quietly with us.
This chit isn't easy for you, but we'll be there.
Ooops me thinks me better go and give Hayden some money!
Love Ya Gal
Sami
Explaining Hayden. Well, Sami and I both know a lady in Indiana who has taken in her four grandchildren, because their parents are not in a position to do right by the little ones. Hayden is the youngest of the four, and he has to give his granny a quarter every time he cusses (he's three, and the quarters are piling up), so, whenever we cuss, we have to give Hayden a quarter.
ReplyDeleteWe keep those cyber-quarters rotating, that way.
Thanks, Sami! I love you, too.