A Quick Note From Charyl

Roni ~ this is long overdue ~

For some unknown reason I looked at your blog 8/20 after not having looked at it since our conversations at Aidan's birthday gathering and what I perceived as animosity/anger toward me from both you and Vanessa (whatever the reasons were/are are not important in the relative scheme of things).

The 7:11am "anonymous" comment was mine. Yes, I should have identified myself but I didn't want to possibly stir up anymore anger.

There are so many things I would like to say however I think at this point it would be best just to say that you are an incredibly strong woman and have been for many years!!! This strength has sustained you through many dark hours and will continue to do so. I'm not going to say that it will get better ~ some of the pain/anger will lessen but never go completely away ~ this I know from my father's death. Yes, it was untimely in a very different way but the pain/anger has affected me for many years (and I'm 64!!). I believe we have talked about this in the past.

Hopefully you will read this and know that I do care!

Charyl

I replied to this via email this morning. However, it has been eating at me all day.

While I would like to be as high-minded and forgiving as you are, I can't be, until a few things get said.

Once or twice, over the years, I have tried to discuss my feelings with you, only to be told how sorry you are that I harbour such anger. You probably don't even remember the incidents that tear me up every time I think of them. You certainly have different perceptions of them than I do. A lot of that is my fault.

You see, it has taken years of distance for me to recognize that I was never really in sync with SSS's idea of an "open" marriage. It just seemed that, if it was what he wanted, then I should want it too. The problem was that he and I had differing ideas about what constituted an "open" marriage. To him, it seemed to mean that he got to sleep with whoever he wanted, and I got to sleep with whoever he wanted me to. Needless to say, after a while, I started to feel quite low in self-esteem. I didn't really realize how low I had got until I found myself babysitting all the kids while you and SSS got together. I was actually making excuses to your children for your absence and trying to convince the lot of them that SSS's absence at the same time was mere coincidence.

Do you even remember coming over to my house and pretending to be my bestest friend and encouraging me to complain about SSS; and then telling him everything I said? Do you remember the time he put me out of the house, and I had to call you from the neighbour's and ask you to talk him into letting me back in? Just how humiliating do you think that was for me? Do you remember enabling him by supporting him so he didn't have to get a job and pay his court-ordered child support? Do you remember writing me a hot cheque for my waterbed and dryer when I asked you if you could sell them in your garage sale? I had to move out of my apartment because the child support upon which I depended for the rent dried up. Do you remember telling me how surprised and proud you were that I managed to keep my little family together when you thought I wouldn't be able to? How patronizing was that? Do you remember asking me to give you my sewing machine for your daughter...the sewing machine that SSS's mother gave me for Christmas one year, and he later pawned for $30 and never redeemed? At least, that was the only sewing machine I had, so it must have been the one you were asking for...the very same sewing machine that I used to make a few extra bucks sewing cheerleader uniforms for Pop Warner Football.

It was not until I had been breathing the sweet air of freedom for several years that I realized that SSS had been steadily poisoning my mind and had systematically reduced me to the snivelling, dependent loser I was when you decided to rescue him from me. Working where you do, I'm sure you knew about Narcissistic Personality Disorder long before I did. Do you not recognize your husband anywhere in the descriptions of that particular condition?

Still, I guess there are none so blind as those who will not see.

Eventually, I figured that I got the better of the deal--you got SSS and I got my freedom.

Too bad I had to suffer from grinding poverty that whole time. Did you realize that I sometimes worked two and three jobs to try and keep a roof over our heads? It's no wonder that the girls were somewhat out of control. You could have helped that, if you had insisted that SSS support his children instead of enabling him to avoid it.

And yet you act as if I had/have nothing to be angry about. You own none of it. It's all mine.

Maybe saying this will help me to get over it. I agree that I should have, after so many years, but it would surely help if you would acknowledge that you had some share in causing my anger.

An apology would be nice, but I won't hold my breath.

You're damn right, I'm strong.