Tuesday, October 09, 2007

What's In Store?

So, when will all this hit me? I've had to focus on finances, taxes, and the like, not to mention home improvements. When will I process all the emotional aspects of Jim's suicide? Let alone, his death. Seems to be two separate issues. I would be mourning and angry and feeling abandoned no matter how he died, but the fact that he chose to end his life is making me a little bit paranoid.

I have always maintained that I didn't care what people thought of me, or said behind my back, as long as I never had to hear it. The events last February at the theater proved to me that this policy can set me up for a very hard fall.

So, I find myself wondering what folks are saying. I've read in books about surviving the suicide of a loved one that there is still a certain stigma attached to suicide. Happily, I don't think I have experienced that. Yet. But still, I wonder if there are those among Jim's friends and family who might think I coulda...shoulda...done more for him.

All this improvement around the house, for instance. If I had done this while he was alive, would he have been less depressed? Or more, from all the upheaval? I had never got any of it done because he would hurt his back every time he tried to help. Not to mention that the only decorating he ever wanted to do was to put the house back exactly the way his mom had it.

I did try to get him to go to a doctor. I did. He wouldn't go. Of course, at the first hint from him that I was "nagging," I would back down. I knew he was a stubborn cuss when I married him, and I always accepted him just the way he was. I knew that there were no other terms.

Intellectually, I know there was nothing I could have done that would have made a difference, but that thought isn't all that comforting. Even though I know there WAS nothing; I feel as if there SHOULD have been something. Even though I know it was not about me, still, I'm all that's left for it to be about, if you know what I mean.

Oh, hell. I don't know.

8 comments:

  1. Ronni,

    If someone is determined to commit suicide, he/she will find a way no matter what. Jim may not have done it on that day, but he would have.

    If I may say so,thinking that you could have done something to prevent it is part of trying to gain control. If anything, all of the work you are doing proves things were not impossible. Jim could have done it except for the fact that he wasn't thinking rationally or normally.

    You are a widow with all the sadness that accompanies that. Even in the most bitter of divorces, each party has his/her say. You were robbed of that.

    Jim's spirit is still around and I think that from his other plane, he is going to send good things that he couldn't provide in this life.

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  2. The only thing I ever wanted him to provide was himself.

    Kinda SOL on that one, aren't I?

    I know what you mean, though. He probably would have killed himself eventually, unless he died suddenly from natural causes. He did not want to "linger."

    I just thought he would go to a doctor first...

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  3. I should have been more clear. By things, I didn't mean material things.

    He'll send peace of mind(eventually) and opportunities to find happiness. It's crazy but that's what I think.

    No one wants to linger. People who are thinking normally monitor their health to lessen the chances of that. He wasn't operating logically.

    I am so impressed with the way you are coping with the hand you were dealt.

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  4. Hi Ronni,
    Can you please email me. I have something that I can send to Jasmine. I will let you know what it is on the email.

    Christina

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  5. Christina, I removed the comment with your email address in it. Thanks so much...

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  6. Forgive me for still being so angry that this has happened to you, Ronni.

    I don't think making a comment in this section will bring you any comfort. You are such a great person who has been put through the mill, so to speak. As a human being, you have all the right qualities.

    I think, keeping yourself busy, is a good thing.

    I only have admiration for you....

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  7. Ronni, I think I might have mentioned this in the kitchen, but I wanted to reiterate this thought. Jim's suicide left me particularly numb, not only because of my love for you but also because (as you know) my husband has suffered from depression for years. I just kept thinking, WOW this could be my story.

    No one would know this in his life but me. He always puts on his happy game face when he leaves our house.

    Even though we have made many home improvements over the years (at my suggestion and lead) and have a savings account, retirement accounts, and on paper look like the all American successful couple, Bob was depressed.

    A year ago, Bob said something to me about him not having anything to be happy about. I looked at him in amazement and said, "What are you talking about?!? We are physically healthy, own our home, have lucritive jobs, healthy retirement accounts, great families, etc., etc., etc.

    I believe it was at this point I finally realized how deep his depression was.

    Only through therapy, and my threatening divorce if he didn't go with me were we both able to understand the depth of his depression. He felt like he wasn't good enough and could never please me. I felt like nothing I did for him mattered.

    I'm rambling again, so I'll wrap this up. Depression is a serious illness. If Jim wouldn't get medical help for his physical ailments and was in denial about his depression, there wasn't a damn thing you could have done that would have made ANY difference.

    It is the most helpless feeling, next to having your spouse take their life.

    I'm thinking of you, always.

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  8. I felt like nothing I did for him mattered.

    That's exactly how I feel. Nothing I ever did was good enough.

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