If I have any feeling of denial, it's about all the other feelings.
I've been reading a book about surviving the suicide of a loved one, and, in it, there is an alphabetical list of feelings from A to W, from "abandoned" to "worried," that survivors typically experience. I've been feeling most of them since Jim killed himself, but not to any devastating extent.
I'm not beating myself up with guilt. However, I do imagine that others of Jim's acquaintance might be blaming me. Not that anyone has said anything like that, but, I have to wonder if some might be thinking it.
He said in his letter: "Baby, you did your best. I'm sorry I didn't do better. I love you with all my heart."
This doesn't make any sense to me. I did my best at what? Loving him? Looking after stuff? Turning into Addy?
Most of his letter was concerned with disposition of "stuff." Give away the motor home. Try and keep the family heirlooms for his nephew. Look after the cats. He was fully expecting to leave me out on the street, trying to do all this. He could have taken care of the tax problems--Ramona even told him how to do it. And, it would have been a hell of a lot easier for him to do it while he was alive than it is for me to do it after he's dead.
So, right under "abandoned" on that list, is "angry." That one I have, in spades.
He didn't love me with all his heart. He couldn't have left me like this if he had. I would NEVER have left him.
What do you do when the love of your life puts a bullet in his head?
I'm nearly 60. I have nothing. My daughters have their own lives, and my son is just marking time until he can get as far away from here as he can, with a view to never coming back.
I had been sort of looking forward to having an "empty nest," in which Jim and I could redefine our life together.
It's just a lot emptier than I thought it would be.
You know, I want to slap him. So sorry for this, Ronni...but..."You did your best"!? WTF
ReplyDeleteI have one to 'those' at home. No-one suffers but them. Keyrist!
BTW, looks like you have been busy over the last hour or so. I'll have to catch up tomorrow.
I'd love to hug you right now.
You are going to come through this Ronni. It's good that you're angry. Still thinking about you. Love.
ReplyDeleteWell said.
ReplyDeleteMy son felt his Dad was selfish and a coward for ending his life as he did.
I, too, am sure many blamed me because we were going through some very rough times.
Vicki had just spent over a month in the hospital while the docs tried desperately to save her kidney. Emotions ran high as did patience.
I do not suffer fools gladly and he did not hold down the home front (while I was with her) as he should have. We were not on the best of terms and had not been for a long time. I am very much a realist and excuses do not fly with me.
In your case, it was different yet they both did the same thing.
What really made ME angry was that he knew the difficult times he was leaving behind for me to deal with alone and yet he chose to end it - without any word to his kids at least. At least Jim left a letter.
These actions leave an indelible impression IMHO as to who they really were.
I would never take my own life either. I think too much of those I love to do that.
How could he say he loved me and then walk out in the front yard and shoot himself?
ReplyDeleteThe books say I will never understand.
Ronni:
ReplyDeleteYour head must be spinning with the WHY's of Jim's death. Dont be surprised if your anger lasts months not weeks--
You will never forget Jim's death, but you will go on living. And you will be so proud of yourself for surviving this horrible event.
You are going to be fine--that may be hard to believe but you will. Just not today. .
One day eventually starts to follow another--time stops standing still.
When my Jim died a year ago, I "companioned" with him for at least the first three to four months--I talked to him everyday--and did not remove his placemat from the dining room table, as if he might be back from court in time for dinner. It helped me ease into the emptiness. Now the place mat is still there, but it does not look like his anymore.
Best always--wish we lived closer together
The man you married was not the same man that went into the front yard and killed himself because he was to cowardly th deal with his stuff and left it for you to clean up. He was a different man. The man I visited with a few weeks before his death was not the same I had known for 40 years was not the same man either. How and why he changed can only be imagined and is best not discussed here. You are not to fault. You chose a wonderful man who returned your love as long and will as he could. Please talk to your counselor about "If he loved me". It's a trap that many of us fall in. See you soon Betty
ReplyDeleteRonni, when Bob's mom committed suicide she was 50 y/o. She left behind a husband/marriage of over 20 years and 8 school age children. Mostly teens. She loved her family dearly. They all talk about her sweetness, talent, and love of God with great affection.
ReplyDeleteShe didn't love herself. She was depressed. She was desperate. She thought that the world and her family would be better off without her.
People who are in this deeply saddened condition aren't capable of understanding that their action will cause their loved ones such pain.
Of course you know this. I'm just sad that Jim's action ever cause you to doubt yourself or the love he felt for you. His final act really doesn't have anything to do with you and everything to do with his desperateness. I feel sad that he and Bob's mom had to feel so desperate that they couldn't reach out to the very people who would have totally been there for them.
It's just so sad.
I know, I know! HE's the one who killed himself, so why should I be thinking it's all about ME?
ReplyDeleteI guess because ME is all I've got to be about.
Not trying to diminish the importance in my life of my children and grandchildren, but they are about the future, and I have to deal with the present.
Hugs, Ronni.
ReplyDeleteronni,
ReplyDeleteyou do have something --- it is you; your brilliant mind, your ability to write words that cut through the crap and go straight to the heart, your eccentricity and scorching originality.
you have an indomitable spirit. you are a Transcender.
jim loved you as much as he could.
there are many people who have met you on the boards who will continue to love you. you do have something ---
it's us.
Apologies for my comments, Ronni. I should fit a cork in it.
ReplyDeleteRonni,
ReplyDeleteyou are not to blame... I know how easy it is to take on those words...and you have much... now that you "only have you" look at you and love yourself...you have many gifts... do small things that seem special "just for you" be angry when you have to, and if you run into something of his... and your're angry...kick it... break it throw it out and say "THERE!!!" It took me YEARS to say the words "he pissed me off by what he did"....maybe because he made so many failed attempts while we were together ... i still keep in touch with his family, he was my first love... and when he died they asked if there was "anything i wanted" well, one of my friends painted a picture as a wedding gift, i said..if its still around, i want it... it was, i have it so it was my "THERE!!!, I got it anyway"
there are other things for you down the road...good things, and just when you've opened your heart just a bit to breath spring air, you might find you have let all the love that i read pouring out of your friends...in ...(in spite of yourself) and you will know you are worthy...
sandi
I do have the bestest friends!
ReplyDeleteIt's not that I am down-playing the importance of friends, but, as Oscar said in "The Odd Couple," "friends go home at eleven o'clock."
The longest hours are between then and dawn.
You have shown such fortitude and gumption over this devastating event in your life, Ronni. Please know, though it may be really presumptious, that I am gutted for you.
ReplyDeleteThe unfairness of it all makes me angry. I just don't know how you are coping with the anger, especially when you just want one more chance to give him a piece of your mind. That frustration, alone, would be the undoing of me.
If you get feelings of guilt, nip them in the bud. Why should you feel guilty for loving him?!
I will understand if you want to delete this.
Ronni, I'm truly sorry for your pain. As a woman nearing 60 myself, I can identify with so many feelings you've shared. Can you imagine how hopeless Jim felt to put a bullet in his own head? It's something most of us can't comprehend.
ReplyDeleteI hate that he wasn't able to share his burden with someone -- you, a friend, or a professional. But, for whatever reason, he just couldn't.
You have my best wishes as you try to put your life back together again.
Carolyn
I just feel guilty for the usual things...not being perfect, mostly. LOL!
ReplyDeleteAs Betty has said, Jim's mom took care of everyone and everything. He had a very difficult time dealing with her physical and mental deterioration as she got older, and never did recover from her death.
Addy could host a dinner for 24 and be out campaigning for desegregation, all in one day. She never yelled at her kids. She never yelled at her husband. She always had kleenex, and she managed the money and took care of all the bills. Of course, she never had a hair out of place while doing this, and Jim mever remembered any fights between his parents. She was SUPERMOM, and her son, in some ways, didn't grow up past needing her.
I think, in retrospect, that I was supposed to turn into her. I think that's what he meant by, you did your best." That sounds really patronizing, doesn't it? "You did your best." That's what we tell our kids when they finish last in the race on Field Day.
It the ones they leave behind that never get the answers they deserve.
ReplyDeleteThe thoughts that are going through your mind are very normal thoughts, to an abnormal event that has happened in your life.
You feel angry, sad, and lonely.
All normal.
Hang in there Ronni, work through everything and don't put a lid on anything.
Your in my thoughts my friend.
Bob thought that Jim's last statement was really patronizing and double handed as well, when I told him about it last night.
ReplyDeleteJust feel your rage, sadness, and full range of emotions when they hit you. Write about them, think about them, process them, and at the end of the day, give your inner child a GREAT BIG HUG as if your were hugging your own children to soothe their pain.
Your are beautiful, worthy, talented and alive. I certainly love you and appreciate your friendship.
Take a sleeping pill or drink a glass of wine at bed time if the loneliless and negative thoughts are getting to you. Give yourself a break and a good deep sleep. A good sleep will sometimes help you wake up with a clear head and the energy to face the day ahead.
Much love, Ronni.
I am very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI know suicide up close and personal, too.
My hope for you would be that in time, you can forgive him and not let his decision to end his life, control the rest of yours.
Sending you an energy prayer.
Hey, Sprocket! Haven't seen you in a long time...
ReplyDeleteThanks or the kind words, and the energy!
It's turning into a hell of a ride!
Ronni,
ReplyDeleteI was going to leave a comment about the thinking of someone who commits suicide, having come very close myself, but Monica said it so well, I don't know if I could add to that.
I would like to say to some of the other commentors that it is not cowardice or selfishness that takes someone there, but despair and desperation. I think people who have never been to that place can ever understand it.
I have an entirely different view of Jim's comment. I think when he said you did your best, he was implying that he didn't and he was sorry for it. He was praising you and feeling badly because he wasn't measuring up.
Please don't doubt Jim's love for you. Depression is a horrible thing and can warp someone out of recognition.