Trust seems to be an issue with me right now.
I trusted Jim. I trusted the feelings that led me to marry him. I was naive enough to think we would have a happy life together. Rose-coloured glasses, I know. Nothing is secure. Nothing is safe.
But when the man I married with such high hope has left me forever, by his own hand, what does that say about me?
Is this the "guilt" phase? Anyone? Anyone...Bueller?
What Jim chose to do has no reflection on you. You didn't cause him to decide to end his own life and you probably couldn't have prevented it if you had known. Jim had his own demons and problems that he simply couldn't deal with any more. Even though you shared so much with him, there are parts of our lives that we don't share with others, dark recesses that we try to deal with alone. Jim let his swallow him up.
ReplyDeleteI was looking through old pictures at the SBCT website from past shows and saw several that you and Jim were in. It is so sad that Jim found no other options because he robbed so many people, especially those he loved most.
Sending out my love to you, Ronni.
There was something wrong with Jim, Ronni. Nothing wrong with you.
ReplyDeleteHe must have known what a mess everything was in. Good grief! I'm back to angry.
I apologise. I am never any help to you.
There are not many wives who work 2 jobs at your age, Ronni.
ReplyDeleteI think you are the 'biz', and I'm sure Jim thought that too.
Ronni, I find this very informative link that I thought I would share with you. And, yes, how you are feeling is part of your grieving process. It also has some very good info on what your friends (me included) should do to support you during this difficult time.
ReplyDeletehttp://belovedhearts.com/Grief_Center/On_being_alone.htm
In my search for answers to happiness in my own life, I came across this pearl of wisdom. As you know, I've been reading Robert Burney. Here is another one of his good thoughts:
"Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience
failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other
person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self
for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships
because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship."
don't know much about this Ronni and hope to God I never will but my feeling is that people who commit suicide do so while the balance of their mind is disturbed. It has nothing to do with the loved and loving ones they leave behind.
ReplyDeleteJim's suicide had NOTHING to do with you. What ever it was that caused him to do this was not you. You had no control over his actions one way or the other. Don't EVER blame yourself. You couldn't fix a problem that he kept hidden from you. I'm sure you were the bright spot in his life and who knows, you may have given him many more years of joy on earth than he ever would have had without you.
ReplyDeleteRonni:
ReplyDeleteAlthough I feel all the raw feelings you are going through,,at some point, tough friendship (even the online version) is going to take over.
It is too soon. . . but what other people have told you is true. . .for some reason, your JIm chose between life with you and death. . .that is tough to accept but that is what happened.
You are in a phase--easily understood. . .that borders on the shock of the sudden loss and the personal choice that Jim made . . . and the expected grief phase of self-absorption (what did I do that could not make them stay here with me?)
Keep blogging and we will be here for you--but in the end (and as I have told you, I am a year ahead of you on this). . the only person who can fix this is YOU. And I will tell you this over and over and over again.
I wont tell you that you didnt do anything wrong--I only tell you that YOUR JIM (my darling person was JIM also, and commited suicide on A
ugust 20, 2006) made his decision without my permission. . .and I think of things I did wrong all the time. . no relationship is perfect. . . I also have come to realize that there were a heck of a lot of things I did right
But that thinking only serves the dead, not the living and we are the living.
Not today, not tomorrow-but by a year from now, an epithany will be yours--and I hope that you will not kick me off your blog--I am on your side, but I will not always be soft.
Take care of yourself. . . and give us an update on the keys---where did you find them?