Just when I thought nothing else could POSSIBLY go wrong...
I got rear-ended today on my way home. Yup. Some idiot ran right smack into the back of Minni Miata while I was stopped at a red light. The poor guy who hit me came around and was tapping on my window to tell me to pull off the road, and I was screaming at him, "GET AWAY!!"
(Remembering, of course, that Vanessa got a ticket for using a bad word when the person who rear-ended her did the same thing)
I was pretty much hysterical, talking to the 911 operator. Fortunately, the guy has insurance, so Rob Morris at Caliber Collision will be getting some extra business. The driver's side tail light is broken, and the panel bent and the bumper scraped up. It could have been worse.
I had been shopping, earlier, for something for Brendan to wear for the Memorial. Of course, he is in full anger mode and doesn't want to go to the Memorial. I got him some clothes, in case he changes his mind. I told him that, if he went, and spent a couple of hours thinking about Jim and seeing how sad everyone else was, it might help him feel less angry, but I also told him he didn't have to go, if he really didn't want to. He can stay at the house, because I'm going to have to find somebody to do that. I hope I'm doing all right with Brendan. He said he was "OK," but I told him that I wasn't sure about a whole lot right now, but I was sure of one thing; that neither one of us is "OK."
Oh, and the cable box went completely out this morning, so I had to schlep it to the Time-Warner store. Take a number. 96. The security guard says, "Numbers 65 through 70, go on in." So I planted my posterior in a chair and waited. While waiting, I figured out what was wrong with the cable box--there was a hairball in there the size of Oklahoma. Remind me to vacuum the cable box once in a while. Anyway, we are now the proud owners of a brand new cable box. WooHoo.
The starter has gone out in Chandra's car, so somebody is going to have to fetch her and Aidan for the memorial on Tuesday, and take them home.
Maybe I should quit praying for strength.
Ronni, such a lot of problems to deal with. Now getting your car fixed! Are you OK physically? At least your cable now works (woo hoo). About Brendan, I think you are doing just fine with him, as best you can. Something you might consider about his anger is that he hates what Jim has done to you, his beloved mother, whom at some level he wants to protect. Maybe if he understood that you need him with you at the memorial, regardless of how he feels about Jim...? He can take as long as he wants to sort out his feelings about Jim, but he might not want to shoulder any regret for not being there for you on such a difficult and important occasion. Just a thought, I don't mean to be a buttinski and if he chooses not to go it will be something you will all deal with, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteYou may well be right. It just seems like that should be something somebody else can bring up with him. I think maybe I should not be putting pressure on him, one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteI am walking on eggshells, here.
I want him to know I will hold everything together, regardless, for his sake. Also, I don't want him to think it's just rolling off me, because, in that case, what can he think of me?
I've been able to tell him my feelings, to some extent, but the soul-wringing anguish, he doesn't need to see. It's not a pretty sight.
I am OK, physically. A bit stiff, but I am self-medicating with Glenlivet.
ReplyDeleteOkay, Ronni, here's my advice. What I'm about to tell you is based upon, and should be received upon, how old your car is. I'm assuming it is several years old. Maybe not, and if not, tell me, and we'll figure out an alternative plan. But if it is several years old, offer the guy an opportunity to keep his insurance company out of it. Get an estimate that will make you right and be willing to accept a check from him for that amount, and don't get your car fixed. Consider it a gift from God, to hold you over, until you figure things out.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Ronni.
Oh Ronni, my heart aches for you. You're instincts are so right about protecting Brendan from the most unfathomable anguish you are going through. You will hold it together for him, I know you will. No chance that he will ever think it is all just 'rolling off you' -- none whatsoever. Do you think he might be afraid of NOT holding it together for you if he goes to the memorial? That it will be harder for you in that case? Maybe he needs to know that it's OK if he falls apart but that you can try to be strong for each other? Eggshells, yes. I understand and yet I cannot imagine. Like I said, my heart aches for you. And for him.
ReplyDeleteBrandon is entitled to his feelings, and he has every right to be angry. Jim did a very bad thing. He did. Jim did a very bad thing. Dads and Step dads are not supposed to commit suicide. It's embarrassing. Makes you feel weak.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to make up excuses for Jim to justify and explain to Brandon that what Jim did was okay and acceptable. What Jim did was wrong. And Brandon needs to hear that from you. Along with that can come, I didn't know, I never wanted you to be exposed to such a thing, he really fucked us, didn't he. But he was Jim. You knew him and I knew him, and we loved him. I don't know why he killed himself. He never told me. He never gave me a clue, because if he would have, of course I would have done everything I could have to stop it.
Ronni, please don't try to be strong. You need to grieve, and Brendan needs to know that you are grieving too. You're both going to find your own ways to get through this and at some point you may be able to really get your feelings out there.
ReplyDeleteIf you try to shoulder everything and try to be strong to the point of not acknowledging what you've been through, it will come back to bite you later. Trust me, I know this from experience.
See, when my parents died when I was 19, then my brother died 5 months later, I had to be strong. I was responsible for myself and had to work and take care of myself. The thing is, that didn't allow me to grieve. When I was in my early 30's it did come back to bite me in the form of a clinical depression. It was only then that I actually grieved - and the shrink made me do it!
Hang in there lady, and know you are loved.
I't BRENDAN. The "Brandon" whose thoughts about Jim constituted a post sometime in the first week of this nightmare is one of Jim's former students, who is now in his second yeaar of University. My son't name is B R E N D A N.
ReplyDeleteSo, maybe Brendan is conflicted because he is getting double signals from me? Like, I love him, and am trying very hard to understand his suicide when I should actually be condemning it?
What a dilemma! Shit. It's worse than I thought.
Now may be time for counselling.
Sorry to confuse you with all the anonymous posts. I'm the anon who knows your son's name is Brendan. And it's a beautiful name, btw. If there was any time for counseling it is now. But first, get some rest. Don't think it's worse than you thought. You already know how awful it is. It is no worse now than it has been all along. Don't get panicky about things getting worse. They are what they are, which is pretty grim, it's true. But you can talk with Brendan tomorrow and the day after (before the memorial). You don't have to put pressure on him but you can tell him you don't know all the answers (this won't be a newsflash, trust me, he's 17 ;-)) If he is getting mixed signals from you it's because your feelings are mixed! You loved Jim but you hate what he did. You don't want to pressure Brendan but you need him. I would guess that for Brendan, he just loves you and hates to see you so destroyed. Let him know that he makes a difference. Jim can never take Brendan away from you and that is something to cherish in this dark time.
ReplyDeleteYou know, ever since the names Brendan and Brandon became so predominant in our culture and my life, I've noticed the mothers of those children who are named those names becoming more and more indignant whenever I say the name wrong.Yes, I know, you thought long and hard before you gave your son that name, but I never heard it before, and whenever a child tells me his name is Brenden or Branden I try to lip read so I don't get it wrong. But they're so close. So please, cut me some slack.
ReplyDelete"So, maybe Brendan is conflicted because he is getting double signals from me? Like, I love him, and am trying very hard to understand his suicide when I should actually be condemning it?"
Yes. You should actually be condemming it. Jim made a bad decision for those who loved him, for those he left behind. He made a really bad decision. Really bad, if you believe in life. If you believe in death, well, then it was okay, but if you believe in life, and if you believe with all your heart that it is your job and responsibility to move your son forward into his own life, then yes, Jim made a really, really bad decision, and he left you there, all alone, to take care of the aftermath.
I think all the anonymouses out there need to cut Ronni some slack. She's got quite a load on her back right now.
ReplyDeleteRonni, I apologize if I'm coming off as being obnoxious. I'm not sure how helpful some of this advice is.
The boy's name Brendan \b-ren-dan, br(e)-ndan\ is pronounced BREN-den. It is of Irish, Gaelic and Celtic origin, and its meaning is "prince". From the old Irish personal name Bréanainn. Saint Brendan of Ireland (sixth century), known as "the Voyager", is famed for his scholarship and adventurous traveling, including a seven-year voyage to a land that some think may have been North America. Brendan of Birr was another sixth-century Irish saint. The modern Irish Gaelic form Breandán and the Anglicized form Brendan are based on the medieval Latin form Brendanus. Irish playwright and wit, Brendan Behan; actor Brendan Fraser.
ReplyDeleteBrendan has 10 variant forms: Breandan, Bren, Brendano, Brenden, Brendin, Brendon, Brendyn, Brennan, Brennen and Brennon.
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The boy's name Brandon \b-ran-don, br(a)-ndon\ is pronounced BRAN-den. It is of Old English origin, and its meaning is "broom, gorse hill". Transferred use of the surname and place name. In some cases, a variant of the less popular Brendan. TV executive Brandon Tartikoff.
Brandon has 8 variant forms: Brand, Brandan, Branden, Brandin, Brandyn, Brannon, Branton and Brennan.
We all make mistakes with names.
ReplyDeleteNone of my children got my first choice of name. One has to compromise.
I know. I have 2 Brendans and 3 Brandon's in my life right now. If I've got that right. I know. I'm not sure I know the difference between them all. I'm trying. But every time one of these kids walks up to me, I panic and ask myself, does this kid's name have an "a" or an "e"? Is it Brendan or Brandon? I'm going to guess here, I hope I'm right. And to tell you the truth, Ronni, you just wrote which one your son was, and I can't remember which one it was. But I'm still very there for you, and blame my lack of ability to distinguish the difference between Brendan and Brandon on the human brain. I've got one of those human brains, and a lot of other stuff going on.
ReplyDeleteYou are making me laugh out loud Ronni!
ReplyDeleteJust shut up, Anne. I'd recognize your insipid prose anywhere.
ReplyDeleteShut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Can you read MY LIPS????
Loretta said...
ReplyDeleteJust shut up, Anne. I'd recognize your insipid prose anywhere.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Can you read MY LIPS????"
I don't read lips, Loretta. I thought it was Bush Senior who read lips. Do you read lips, too? Are you so magical that you can read my lips over the Internet? I don't record IP addresses, either. Not my thing. But I can read this. Really , really clear.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Whoa. That was nasty. Really nasty. Where have you been these past few days. Thought you were going to be busy with your boyfriend. Couldn't be around. So busy. With your life.
So, you'd recoginze my insipid prose anywhere. Well, if it was as insipid as you claim it was, you'd never have noticed. Maybe you should look up the definition of insipid.
Definitions of insipid on the Web:bland: lacking taste or flavor or tang; "a bland diet"; "insipid hospital food"; "flavorless supermarket tomatoes"; "vapid beer"; "vapid tea"lacking significance or impact; "an insipid novel"
If I was as insipid as you claim I am, you never would have noticed. Check out the definition of insipid. And after you do, stop this. Stop it. I mean it. Become your higher self. Make this world a better place.
I know what insipid means. The definition fits. Perfectly.
ReplyDeleteYou are insipid. Monotonous. Boring. A terrible writer. A twisted freak.
You are also a troll of the worst kind. When you are asked to leave, you don't.
You want peace on earth? Let it begin with YOU.
Get out. Leave. Don't come back.
Stay off my blog. Stay off this blog. Write your own insipid blog.
Hmm, my guess was correct. You do not belong here Anne. This is a place that must be pure and clean.
ReplyDeleteI will not describe your lack of respect for Ronni or her situation.
I suppose that we can just ignore you here as well. You are wasting blog space here. Go away. That is polite. Go some other place. Maybe there is actually a place where you belong.
If I were of the mind to commit suicide, this might push me over the edge.
ReplyDelete"You are insipid. Monotonous. Boring. A terrible writer. A twisted freak."
Thank God, I don't believe in Loretta or anyone else who would say such an thing to any other human being in this world we share. Thank God, I believe in him and count on him to deal with Loretta in his own way.
Really, stop it. Ronni doesn't need this insipid bickering. Let Ronni deal and stop treating her like a child. She's perfectly capable of dealing with insipid remarks on her blog, even the well-meaning ones, which I think Anne's are. "Moi" and Loretta, I humbly suggest you back off.
ReplyDeleteI am honoured that my friends have my back.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous Anne, please stop posting here.
You are what is stirring things up. You say things that hurt me, and then my friends come in with guns blazing.
I believe I'm entitled to be a bit fagile after my husband put a bullet in his head 13 days ago.
Moi never backs off. you might save your guff for someone who believes it. Definition: guff:
ReplyDelete1. Nonsense; baloney.
2. Insolent talk; back talk.
Would you like more definitions?
Your passive agressive comments will herewith be disregarded by all of us who are here. That eliminates toi deer Anne. Buzz off.
There you go, Ronni. Say what you want and what you mean. Of course you're entitled to whatever you are, fragile, angry, depressed, catatonic, morose, hysterical -- it's all normal and acceptable for what you've been through. You also have a right to set your boundaries. Anonymous Anne should stop posting. Yes, Ronni, you are fortunate to have friends who watch your back. I humbly consider myself as one of them, but not of the combative variety. God bless you and give you peace.
ReplyDeleteWell, Ronni, I'm fragile, too. I've done my best to help you, and I'm sorry that you find my comments to be stirring things up. I was only trying to help.
ReplyDeleteI don't think guns blazing is an appropriate and acceptable response in a situation like this, I don't, and I'm sad to learn that you've turned on me, but what can I do, but respect your wishes?
My best to you, Ronni, I'm outta here.
wow, hmm, I have heard that comment before. I am not impressed. Therefore forsooth goes the rub. What have I sed before? poop.
ReplyDeleteWe will be watching you Anne. Loretta does not even have to raise her head. You are as you said, out of here. That is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteGood morning Ronni. I'm so sorry you have even more on your plate, but thankful you weren't injured. You need a break!
ReplyDeleteI do wish you and Brendan could visit a grief counselor to help you both sort through all the emotions that are normal right now.
PS, To the anonys--you can choose 'other' and use a name instead of anonymous.
Ronni, you probably already know this, but I wanted to mention it, anyways.
ReplyDeleteYoung men and old men, alike, have a hard time just listening to the women in their life who are distressed. Sometimes, I just want to vent. I have learned to preface my vent needs to Bob because he always becomes frustrated when there isn't anything he can do to ease my frustration other than listen to me.
In other words, I think while Brendan is struggling with his own emotions over Jim's death, he is probably angry because he can't protect you, his mother, from both of your pain. Does this make any sense? Just keep talking to him. Keep asking for what you need. Keep deep breathing. Keep resting as much as you can. Brendan loves you very much and so do we.
Bless both of your sweet hearts. I'm still here and thinking of you both VERY much.