If he hates his mother, RUN! I cannot emphasize this point too strongly. If a man hates his mother, he hates all women. Period. I don't care how much he says he loves you, how many gifts he gives you; if he ONE TIME calls his mother a bitch, you need to be out of there.
I mean, think about it. His mother is the first woman he has a relationship with. If that gets messed up, for whatever reason, how is he going to relate to other women?
A lot of these abusive men have bad relationships with their mothers. A lot of them get along fairly well with their mothers. I've found that the ones who do get along with them have a very passive-aggressive attitude towards them. The guy shows up late for family gatherings, for instance, or forgets her birthday.
Many abusive men have a very black-and-white view of women. SSS approached almost every woman he met as a potential "score." If she refused him (smart woman!), she was a "tease." If she succumbed, she was a "slu*t." Very narrow view. Either way, he would complain about her for a long time...
...Which didn't stop him from complaining about me. As well, it kept me rather short of friends. So making passes at my friends fit into his isolation agenda.
Face it, many men want to "have their cake and eat it, too." Some of them come up with ideas like, "open marriage."
"Let's not be like everybody else."
"My commitment to you is in my heart."
"It doesn't matter who I sleep with; I'll always love you."
"Let's pretend we are still just living together."
If you agree to this, it saves him the trouble of sneaking around.
The fact is, unfaithfulness is one of his ways of putting you down. It is a decision HE makes. I don't care if he plays bass in a bar band and has a dozen women flirting with him every night. It's his decision to take that step. He will always blame the other woman, and sometimes he will blame you. After all, if you were prettier, or thinner, or less tired, then he wouldn't NEED to look elsewhere.
I got news. He doesn't "need" to mess around with other women. He chooses to.
And you should choose not to accept it. You are better than that.
More wisdom from Ronni!
ReplyDeleteI will add that the castration factor by either mother or father is also a factor. There may be no overt hatred of the authority figure, but the damage is the same. My N # 1 had a castrating emotionally unavailable mother similar I believe to Jackie Peterson. Ole N # 2 lost his dear mother when he was 20 and had always lived with a didactic Krauthead angry father. Slim pickens for the discriminating female searching for a healthy relationship. It would be so much easier if one learns these things before the fact! You go Ronni!