Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Valentine

Ponsa ponsa time, way back before cell phones, CDs and IPods (1984, to be precise), a very nice man (Jim...can you guess?) directed a play at Sam Bass Theatre. A terrified would-be actress (me) showed up to audition. Much to my amazement, I was cast. I was cast as a rather terrified character, but still.

Friendship ensued. And ensued, and ensued...for quite a few years. Through a divorce each and several other relationships. Through his asking me to help clean up his house when he was about to sell it. Through my asking him to fix my front door when someone kicked it in.

We went out a few times, back in the early 90s, but as friends (in spite of my efforts to trip him and beat him to the floor). It wasn't until near the end of that decade that romance superseded friendship, and the whole "Jim and Ronni" thing began to rock. And rock it certainly did.

We had a lovely wedding, on Marriage Island, right in the middle of the San Antonio River Walk. Small and simple; designed for the least possible amount of stress. I had never felt anything so right. There I was, standing in front of a JP with the man I had loved (not so secretly) for so many years, promising to love, honour and cherish through bad times and good. And hearing him do the same. And believing him.

There were good times for quite a while, until his mother died. I think that, in some way, he lost his focus when he lost Addy. She kept him grounded, and I couldn't fill her shoes. I had my own shoes to fill.

I have to think that the age-old wedding vows meant something different to him than they did to me. Or maybe I just don't understand depression. Whatever depression is, he had it and I didn't know.

Then came that awful night when he walked out the front door with a gun and shot himself, leaving my seventeen-year-old son and me to find him and watch him bleed in the front yard. Because he killed his brain, but his body struggled on for long enough to allow the ambulance to take him to the ER and work on him to try and keep him a living vegetable. Eventually, they gave me the option to tell them to stop and let him go.

So, that's why I no longer believe in "romance." Because the one time in my life that it was so right, it all went so very wrong. All the hearts, flowers, diamonds and chocolate can't make up for that.


  1. (((hugs for you on this day)))

    PS - Depression is a liar. It lied to Jim. Depression sucks.

  2. I'm so sorry Ronni, so very sorry. (((hugs)))

  3. My dear Ronni, you have been through the valley, the slough, the tunnel and here you are. Jaundiced to some degree, however you continue to power through with the strength and power that is yours alone. Learning to be alone is a lesson in itself. You have grown more powerful and more strong. I can see it.

    Your journey has been shared by all of the sistah-hood. We are your staunch and true cheering squad. It is a privilege and an honor to be a member of your sistah-hood.

    While you had your many years before and with Jim, his ability to honor you and your son waned because of that disease of depression. In his internal pain and blindness, he became inured to what was true and real in his life.
    Obviously he could not live with this pain. The darkness overwhelmed him. You and your son are those who were left with the darkness, the pain, the anger, the confusion. You have done a remarkable task reviving yourself. Your Blob gives you the living outreach of recovering your self and providing stability for Brandon.

    John and I send you love from the heart which is everyday, not just Valentine's Day.

    I know that the spark and sparkle of love is in your heart in your eye and in your mind. That is the beginning of true romance. First you must romance yourself and that is the new beginning.

    As ever deario. xxoo

  4. Ronni, I hope this doesn't offend you, but "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." What you had was real and beautiful, however short lived it was. Keep believing.

    As hard as it is to accept, life is for the living. Keep living and keep loving for as long as time will allow. Otherwise, what's the point? Have compassion and forgiveness for those who never get this concept, but don't ever allow them to win.

    Happy Valentine's Day, Ronni. Love is out there. Even if it's only the love you give. Even if you don't get any back. It still feels good to give it.

  5. Is there a picture of your face in that same moment?

  6. Actually, I think there is. I shall look and see if I can post one later.

  7. Your hair at your wedding is beautiful! You should let it grow out some... that gorgeous red color is just that, gorgeous.
    You had a love that most people never have in spite of the sad ending. Treasure it.

  8. Jo Ann, that red is totally out of a bottle! I did it that colour for a play, and liked it enough to keep it. The curls came from hot rollers. I am, however, growing my hair out some...