Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Christmas Cookie Rules

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie-free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie-free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie-free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories
Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!

~Thanks, Nessa!


  1. The Sand Tart Saga

    At the beginning of the month, Frannie said, "M-o-o-om would you make the white cookies this year?"
    I said, "Frannie, I do not think that I have the energy this year."

    The guilt begins nibbling like mice in my brain. I e-mail her:
    Frannie do you have the recipe?
    (as I gave all baking equipment, kitchen-aide mixer and recipes to them 10 or more years ago).

    She e-mails back, no, I can't find it. I think Bibba has it.

    I call Bibba. Hi, honey to you have the recipe for my grandmother's white cookies?
    She sez, "Well, all of that is in storage...if it is in my garage, then I can find it...if it is in Ian's basement...no."

    I e-mail Frannie again, Frannie can you please look for the recipe for the forkin cookies? I cannot find the exact on on the internet.

    Frannie e-mails bach: Oh, mom, you don't have to make the forkin cookies. You can just give me a gift certificate to Amazon!!!!!lol (sic)

    I e-mail Frannie: Fuhggiddabout it. You're gettin' the forkin cookies!

    Day # 1. I go to Trader Joe's to buy buttah and pecans. I go to K-Mark to buy cookie sheets.

    Day # 2. I haul out my q-zeen-art and grind up 2 pounds of pecans.
    I beat buttah.

    Day # 3. I am still printing out all similar recipes from cooking sites. I decide. To hail witthit, I will just do it from memory! I take out my portable kitchen-aide mixter and beat the helf out of that pound of buttah. I add the Mexican vanilla and a cuppah powdered suggah. I say, "John, I need your help." He comes into the kitchen and folds in 4 cups of fine baker's flour. I slap it all into a 2 gallon ziplock and refrigerate overnight.

    Day # 4. I drag in a counter-height table from the gay-raj and cover with heavy-dooty aluminum foil. I do search and seizure of cooling racks. Find the melon baller. Preheat the oven. Start making one-inch balls from 4 pounds of hard dough. Roll-em-&-roll-em and put them on the pans that are covered with parchment as moi has no silicone shiite. 3 hours later, I have racked, sifted 2 two-pound bags of powdered sugar and rolled them numerous times to achieve the patina of melted confectioner's suger on each one of those suckers. I sift more powdered sugar into the lid of the deep cake keeper and haul the hole thing out to the garage uncovered so that they will be cool. Stay tuned. moi

  2. Still Day 4 1/2.

    I am about to fall asleep and think, oh, fudging ripples, what if the ants come after those cookies.

    Early a.m.
    Day # 5. After bean awake all night I am packing each little snowball in the cookie containers for 3 daughters. Seal them up, put on bows and pack them in the shipping boxes. Tuck in other goodies that have accumulated for this last shipping to children and grandchildren. Collapse.

    Day # 6. It is the week-end and so the shipping is delayed. I speak to a friend in the evening who sez, "The post office was open today. (Sunday)" I say, "Why-T-F-DIDN'T you tell me...?"

    Oh well, she is 89 years old and has 5 X the energy that I have.

    Day # 7. Now it is Monday and John and I are driving over to have lunch with a friend in Morro Bay. We stopped at UPS. $98.00 later, the cookies are in the air.

    Never again, I say. Who knows? I also had to buy and effink battery-operated hamster for one grandchild. Back in the day, mine got real gerbils in a habit-trail. Santa put them on top of the piano for safe-keeping. Our Siamese knocked the whole shmear off onto the floor. Christmas morning was scramble and grab. They were hiding under the radiators. Did you know that these electric hampstores have habitrails? Am I getting too old or what?!

    Pee Ess... white cookies have no calories! moi

  3. Hilarious, Moi! You know that the cookies are worth every bit of it!

  4. OMG- Very funny, both of you. Ronni- have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas! BTW, are you in touch still with CG or Loretta? I keep checking in on Daily Breeze, but nada. So I've sort of glommed on to the Hinky Meter, M. Dave, the Caylee people. Something to contemplate, with the dang broken leg still.

    On the Health Care thing, maybe this will end up being an incremental, work-in-progress. I'm so glad that our Jim DeMint can just go choke on it though!

    So those are my thoughts today. Living in this country is still way better than being in about 2/3s of the rest- and that's something!

  5. Nice to see you, Karen! Loretta has a blog, "Retzilian Renedezvous," and is following the Susan Powell case. Cg still has "Hooterville Holler," but is too busy to update much. Both of them are on Facebook, in fact, there are a lot of misfits there, but most of them don't use it much, except for Pat, Stacey, Lisa and me. "Cacaphony" is Lisa's blog.

    It looks like we have some sort of health care, that we are going to be required to get...still don't quite know how it's going to affect me, though. I'm sure I qualify for some sort of subsidy. If I don't, I'll be camped out on some politician's office steps...

    In this red state, they will drag their feet, and in this uber-red county, less aid is available than in others.

    All the best for the season, Karen!