Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Why We Go In Pairs

Courtesy of The Mom

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue tha t you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!


  1. Have you seen this?

  2. Diana Gabaldon's blog!

    I should put that in my sidebar...

  3. Bawahaha. I thought you wrote this yourself and the whole time I'm "seeing" this happening to you. Which of course made me laugh even more. I mean this is in a good way of course. You just have this way of expressing yourself that has always cracked me up and IMO you could have very well written this.

    Ms. Ronni so many times I wanted to contact or reach out to you but so many times found one excuse or another not to do so. This past year has been all about change and growth for me and there are no longer excuses but positive actions. So here goes.

    I've not always been kind to you and for that I am deeply sorry. You've never done anything for me to treat you the way I did. In all honesty nobody deserved what I said to or about them. Since I can't change the past (oh how I wish I could) I want to look to the future knowing I did at least say the words I'm sorry. I don't expect everyone to go oh it's no big deal or accept my apology because some wounds are deep and I understand that. Along with an apology I want to tell you all the things I've always admired about you.

    1. Your spunk! Oh my you are the spunky one lol. So many times even when your "spunk" was directed at me I still admired you for it. I never understood how you could stand your ground without loosing your self respect, until now. Saying the word that rhymes with duck doesn't make your point any clearer, it just makes it clear to others you're an idiot.

    2. Your heart that is the size of the state in which you live. How is Jasime? I pray for that child a lot but without Internet at home this past year or so I've been unable to read her site. Love the new? picture of you. Very flattering the way your hair frames your face.

    3. Your talent and passion. You've crossed my mind so many times while I'm in the fabric departments. I see some material I really like and think man I bet Ms. Ronni could whip up something beautiful with this.

    4. Your strength and courage. (((Ronni))) I am so terribly sorry that you're enduring the loss of your dear Jim. Since being told not a day has passed what I haven't said a prayer for you and your children. When able I've checked in on you via this blog and read some of your entries, you never cease to amaze me. I wanted to reach out to you but ya know excuses. If ever I can do anything just know I'm here and praying.

    As said to another lady you just never know who you're inspiring to be a better person and Ms. Ronni you've inspired me in so many ways.

    There are more friends of yours I'd love to apologize to but I don't know how to contact them. Maybe they'll come across this comment and if they do I hope they know I am sorry for all the hurt and anger I caused them as well. I really do wish all the people from that time period the best in life. Yes even her and her and her lol.

    PS Go Team OBAMA!

  4. You know what, Shina?

    I learned a lot.

    One of the main things I learned was not to be fearful. A lot of people are fearful on the internet.

    I have learned that the worst you could do to me was not nearly as bad as most people think it could be.

    I learned that there is no way anyone can hurt me in cyberspace, because you tried.

    I'll tell you what, you are one stubborn and persistent woman, and that's not a bad thing at all...

    You can do a world of good, Shina, with the skills and talents you have!

    I accept your apology, thank you for the lessons learned and wish you all the best.

  5. Nicely, said. Both of you.