Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A Year

A year ago this night, my husband chose to end his life.

I have spent a couple of hours this evening reading over the things I've written under the heading "Jim's death." It is difficult to read them in order. It involves much backtracking, because there are a lot of them. I had to hit the label, and read up from the bottom, hit "Newer posts," backtrack through "Older posts" to the one after the one I had just finished.

Not to self: put them all somewhere, in order.

I was tempted to write a post wallowing in the sorrows of the past year. But. Who needs another of those? I wrote a whole year's worth, for heaven's sake!

Not a whole lot has changed, on the surface. Jim's estate has not been probated, or executed, or whatever they call it. My home is still a mess. I'm still angry and heartbroken.

But, you know what?

I have survived this god-awful year! I still love my job. My son is leaving for Cornell College in Iowa on Thursday. I've done two great shows, one of which was a total triumph for me. Whole days go by in which I don't cry. Whole nights go by without my waking up in the abominable silence.

People who have been through this tell me that the second year is the worst.



  1. Ronni:

    You more than survived.

    Thinking about you today--and hoping you will some quiet moments for recalling happier times.


  2. Thinking of you today, Ronni.

    You are obviously one of life's survivors. Thank you for sharing so much of this painful journey with us. x

  3. Hello "JT", I have loved reading here, and your words have been of help to me at many times, as I know they've helped others too.
    I just want you to know you are daily in my thoughts and prayers, You're such a strong women! No doubt about it!
    Sending you love and hugs, and praying for normalcy to soon return to you and your life. Your friend, Gracia

  4. Dear Ronni,

    You are in my thoughts today.

    We each have to travel our own journey, but for me the first year was the worst. It was still pretty black for me as the second year began, but at least those "first anniversaries" of everything were over, and I could see that light at the end of the tunnel.

    Keep on being you. I, for one, think you're wonderful! :)


  5. Ronnie,
    You are simply amazing! You have shown such strength through this. I admire you greatly.
    You and your family remain in my prayers.

    Tomah Belle

  6. thinking of you today.

    Hang in there, Ronni.

  7. ((hugs)) You just keep on coming on friend!

  8. Dear Ronni,
    Most people do not have to go through what you have endured this past year.
    The strength you display on here is a wonder to us all. You are a surviver,and a inspiration to everyone who knows you. I guess time does dull some of the pain,but the memories are always a part of who we are.Remember the good times,cry when you need to,and just keep on being you!

  9. I think the first year is the worst, but guess what?

    In later years, there will be that one milestone year you'll forget the death anniversary. When that happens, you'll know not that you've not found found so-called closure, it's merely when you've discovered you are too busy living to mourn any more.

    Buck up, kiddo.

    -- Astrologer

  10. I've had you in my thoughts all day and hope you know how much you are loved and admired. XXOO

  11. Thank so much! It has been a difficult day, but not as bad as it would have been if you didn't have my back...

  12. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, Ronni.

    You might find this book helpful. It helped me and it's helped a few of my friends who have suffered from the loss of a loved one:

    Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World by Elizabeth Harper Neeld