How Do They Get Like That?

I wonder if anyone has done a study of the childhood of eraser killers. I would be interested in seeing the results. I think there are things that we, as parents, do every day that contribute to the certainty that these people have, that they are better than and different from their fellow man.

To my layman's mind, a few possibilities occur, and they are things that so very many of us do; things inherent in our modern style of parenting.

We lavish huge amounts of praise (and large rewards) on our children, for small accomplishments. Now, I can see doing this during potty training, for instance, and other milestones of extreme youth, but there comes a point where it has to taper off. The mere action of turning sixteen does not deserve a new car. Neither does graduating from high school. When we do this, they learn that their mere existence is something to be rewarded, i.e., they are "special."

We make excuses for our children's failures. The little darling did not fail chemistry because the teacher didn't like her. She failed chemistry because she didn't do the work. Children need to learn to take responsibility for all their actions, the good and the bad. This one starts quite early. I actually know parents who would smack an object on which their child hurt himself, implying that the object was at fault! Enough of this, and they learn that others are to blame for all the bad stuff.

We do their work for them. We write their essays, construct their science projects, clean their rooms, pay off the neighbours when the ball goes through the car window. One friend of mine spent a week making a model of the solar system for her daughter. On the day it was due, the child came running in. "I got an A!" she announced. "You did not!" was my answer. "Your mom did!" By the same token, we find ways to reward them for things they haven't done. Girl Scouts does this. Susie has earned eight badges, and Mary only two? Can't have that! Let's find a way to give Mary a few more, so that she won't feel bad at the Badge Ceremony. So, Susie's accomplishments are cheapened, and Mary learns that cheating is OK.

We do not teach our children to put themselves in others' shoes. I still maintain that "How would you feel if somebody did that to you?" should be a parent's response to anything her child does that is harmful or hurtful to another person. Every time.

Children are not born socialized. At birth, they are not really even aware of themselves. They understand discomfort, and that's about all; they complain mightily until discomfort goes away. They gradually become aware of their surroundings, their parents, their homes, their communities. It is our job to integrate them into that community, not the job of the community to accommodate the child.

Frankly, my self-educated opinion is that we need to pay less attention to how we discipline our kids, and more to actually doing it. We foist the raising of our children off onto day care and little league. We want too much of the "material" for them, and for ourselves. Big houses. Big cars. Lots of toys.

Let's pull in those horns a bit and spend more time with our children, in smaller houses, with fewer "options." Let's really think about what the kids are going to be like as adults, and develop a plan to raise people who are responsible, caring and unselfish.

Think about this: one day, these kids are going to be raising kids of their own. It is not our job to be a "friend" to our children; it is our job to be a parent. We need to set a good example and do our best to be consistent. In other words, we need to try to be good neighbours and citizens, ourselves, and insist that our children do the same.