I close my eyes and I see your face
White against the grass and the black blood.
I hear your rasping breath as you lie there, dying
And I stand, helpless, not knowing what to do.
I want to let you go
But I don't want you to go
I know you can't stay...
Not like that.
Not with that hole in your head
And blood pouring out
To poison the grass.
Do you not know that I love you?
Does that mean nothing?
What have I, when love is not enough?
I am lost.
I don't know who I am.
I was your wife.
It was all I wanted. You gave me that and then
Tore it out of my hands and dashed it on the ground.
No one can touch me like you.
No one can love me like you.
No one can hold me like you.
It is not strange that I still cry--
But that I ever stop.
I hurt bigger than crying
Bigger than screaming...
What else is there?
Wow, Ronni. That was both powerful and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteHugs, sweetie. I hurt for you and with you, though I cannot imagine your pain.
Brilliant, Ronni! Wow, indeed.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say,it brought tears to my eyes..it moved me.
ReplyDeleteHUGS)))
That was heartbreaking, Ronni. I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly.
ReplyDeleteI know there's nothing that will make the pain go away. Still, I hate how Jim's choices have caused you to doubt your self worth.
You're more than enough. You're spectacular. Don't ever doubt that.
Hello again.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a long time since I have been to your blog and I do say I have missed out on a lot. I do not feel I have earned enough right to call you by your first name so I will be calling you ma'am for now.
I sit here at 2:43am attempting to write a letter to my younger self giving knowledge that I have acquired about life through my years of public schooling. I am now 12 days from graduating from high school and moving on to college. I just so happened to stumbled back on this page while clearing out some old bookmarks and I was instantly filled with sorrow. For months I frequented your blog keeping up to date on how you were doing and what you were feeling. I felt I kept a great connection with you and the late Mr. Prior by maintaining contact with your thoughts.
Sadly work and high school got the better of me and I did not return for a long while. Until now.
Your words are so meaningful and your feelings have stricken me so deeply within the past 30 minutes that I have been reading your blog, Ma'am. I do have to say though that I am glad I found this place again. Mr. Prior finds a way into my mind quite often and I still get saddened when I think of his fate.
Dreams are the worst things for me. They are such good dreams to have him there again to chat with but once I awaken I am saddened quickly.
Thank you Ma'am for finding your way through this hard time. I did not realize until tonight how long it has been.
-How long it has been since I received a frantic phone call from one of my fellow classmates that Mr. Prior had passed.
-How long it has been since I entered Cedar Valley for the first time in 4 years.
-How long it has been since I wrote Mr. Prior a note of love and respect in that Gym.
-How long it has been since I sat in the bleachers shedding tears for the man who was so influential to many kids’ lives.
-How long it has been since I stepped into that portable where I used to sit and practice speaking in front of groups of people which I was so afraid to do.
The time seems to be going by fast. I can't imagine how time could be traveling for you.
You hold a place in my heart for being such a strong woman, a strong person, and a faithful companion to a man that influenced many of my actions.
I still feel no anger towards Mr. Prior and I feel I never will. It was awful what he did to you Ma'am but I can not bring myself to dwell on the last hour of his life when there was so much to learn form before it.
I will be checking out your blog quite often again Ma'am and I pray you can continue going strong.
Thank you for everything.
Matt B.
Class of 2008
Thank you, Matt, for your wonderful comment. Jim touched so many lives, and, even though he chose to cut his own short, his values and energy go in in all of you, his students.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on Graduation. All the best in whatever you choose to do. I will be at the Erwin Center, watching Brendan Graduate.
You will use what Jim taught you all your life. I will, too.