I'm sick of being sad. Will it ever stop? Sadness and worry...
It has been two hundred and twenty days since Jim killed himself.
Two hundred and twenty days since I heard him snore, or laugh, or say my name; since I felt his touch on my shoulder. It is just as difficult now as it was then for me to accept that none of those things will ever happen again.
He will never show me New Orleans.
We will never wander the battlefield of Culloden.
When the sadness goes, will there be only emptiness to take its place?
Maybe you will find someone to spend time with, Ronni, even a new friend. This is so unfair!
ReplyDeleteIt's possible that the sadness will always be there but maybe the gaps in between will get bigger. I hope so.
I'd be thrilled if the concept of "someone" held any appeal at all. It doesn't.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that I haven't been asked out. I have. And I have wanted to slap the well-meaning men who have asked.
Sorry, guy. If you're name isn't Jim Prior...
Well, that sounds about right for the period of time that has gone by. I wasn't necessarily referring to men, Ronni, just pals to be there for you. Getting out and about to enjoy life's pleasures.
ReplyDeleteI shouldn't talk, I'm pretty much stuck in the mud, myself.
I have several friends that I never seem to have time to get together with. Still and all, friends go home at eleven o'clock.
ReplyDeleteI just miss Jim.
I understand completely. You have been robbed of the planning for the days when you no longer had to work. All the places you wanted to see together. I was such a cruel thing to happen, Ronni.
ReplyDeleteFor your own sake you need to stay strong. Even though you must be sick to death of that, too.
I am so sorry that this happened to such a good person i know words don't help but i am here for you if you need me, i hope time make's this better for you and it will hon just hang in there your one tough Lady! .........breeze
ReplyDeleteHi Ronni, maybe you are interested in the "Eraser Murders" book for a reason. Maybe you feel a little like Jim erased you when he erased his own life. I don't know when the sadness will ever end. I hope it does, because I know you give so much happiness to so many others with your own theatrical, culinary, grandmotherly,motherly, writing, tailoring skills. But trying to carry on and make others happy is a big burden to carry, and I don't doubt you are pretty tired of carrying it. Personally, I think you are entitled to all the time you want or need to deal with this anyway you can. Call me if you ever want to ...tracie
ReplyDeleteSomething else about that dream you had, or dreams in general: back in highschool, I became enamored of a popular book called "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim". One of the things I remember clearly from that book is that when we have a dream, describe it aloud as if we are the dream, and that is the best way to analyze it. For instance, I often dream of houses, old houses with some beautiful rooms, some secret rooms that no one knows about, some house that I wanted and never had. I wake up thinking that it is about my dissatisfaction with where I live or my real-estate choice in the first place. But when I describe the dream as if it's about me: "I am a house, I have many rooms, some are beautiful, some are secret that no one ever sees, some are so secret that I only just discovered them, sometimes I wish I was a different house, the one that would have been perfect for my kids to grow up in..." then I see the dream as a way to work through my own problems and feelings abut myself. I had a dream not long ago about a weekly women's meeting here at my home that I was going to host with three other women. Sort of a sorority-girls, bridge game, book- club kind of thing. Each woman was from Round Rock, one woman cooked well, one was the typical suburban RR Repub that I really wanted nothing to do with but she was someone I knew from probably PTA, one was a good housekeeper, then there was me, who had to host this affair that day and I was scatter-brained and wishing I could get out of it because I am the opposite of all those women. When I woke up I wondered why I would dream about even being part of a group like that, then I realized that all those women were me in one way or another (no, I'll never be a Repub, but I have lived this ordinary suburban life in RR so long). I have been feeling very disjointed in many ways lately, and that dream was one way those mixed up feelings were bubbling to the surface. You can even apply this to dreams about other people you know well. For instance, apply that dream-telling technique by saying "I am Jim, I am wearing this and I am drinking this and I am thinking this about my clothes or my drink or I am saying this because...". Sometimes by doing that I am able to come up with some feelings or thoughts I hadn't realized before.
ReplyDeleteI hope this offers a little help to you...tracie
You have such wit that I sometimes don't consider that you are sad. Which is stupid, because I am chronically depressed and people think I am funny, go figure.
ReplyDeleteFinally catching up.
ReplyDeleteTracie, I will think about the dream in that context. I like it. I have always had house dreams, and have run into a similar symbolism for them.