For nine years, my love stood between me and the rest of the world.
I had been totally closed off for several years before that, having realized that life alone was preferable to a life with anyone but Jim. When Jim let me in, all the walls came down. All my feelings were out there, raw and unedited, for all the world to see. It didn't matter, because my love was there for me. The man I loved, loved me. I saw what a miracle that was.
When I was wrong, he let me know, but in a loving way. If anyone hurt me, he was there to defend me. He protected me, looked out for me, rescued me if I had car trouble; he was my love.
Now that he is gone, I am having to learn to deal with the world again, without that cocoon of love surrounding me, uplifting me, and giving me strength.
I am changed. I don't think that closed-up Ronni will ever come back, but I must build a shell of some sort, so that I don't keep misinterpreting innocuous events.
I apologize to Hope, Eric and Jordan. I should have known better.
I was so glad when I was up in the WEE hours and saw Hope's post to you.
ReplyDeleteI would have felt the same way btw. Dont beat yourself up for feeling that way. All of you were kinda weirded out it seems like. You recognized the kids, they werent sure, and were awkward, and thereby hurting you. Your reaction was natural IMO. And their reaction to your reaction is heartwarming.
I am supersensitive as well. And btw I love that picture of you and Jim, with you guys gazing into each others eyes.
It was a lovely wedding...
ReplyDeleteSo I saw. And so you deserved. I wish I was hanging out with you right now. You need a hug. You are having a bad missing him time I can tell right now.
ReplyDeleteThe awful thing is that I seem to be getting used to this sort of bad time.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I am not good with this. You know how much you do have, and I am proud of you not decending into the abyss that my sister is in.
ReplyDeleteI remember my Mom after my first Dad died, though only slightly I must add, I dont remember much of her all in my life until a few years after his death. She only came back it seemed to me when she met my second Dad. But I was little, so its all kind of feelings at this point in my life.
I have divorced, broken up with guys, and only recently had my first real heartbreak, but he is still around, just chose his ex-wife over me. So not the same thing.
Different situations elicit different responses in different people. When my daughter's husband died, her pain was out of all bounds. Death is so final. With a break-up or divorce, there is always the idea in the back of your mind that you and he *might* get back together. He *might* get his shit together and grow up and make the dream possible again.
ReplyDeleteWith death, there is no such emotional "out." No glimmer of hope. It's done and over. He's gone, and those of us left behind have to find a way to go on without that tiny glimmer of possibility.
It's no wonder Laura is devastated (I Promise Not To Laugh During the Seance) (see blog links). She is so young...
Your sister may just have further to go.
Yeah, my sister is that young. Her husband died in 2002.
ReplyDeleteI get mad at her sometimes though, I feel as though she emotionally blackmails my parents. I know I cant totally understand, but its sometimes hard not to get pissed off.
(she drinks heavily, lives with them now, calls in the middle of the night for rides home, doesnt want to work) Sometimes it seems like she is getting worse.
She hasn't got a grip yet. Some never do.
ReplyDeleteI would shame my ancestors if I did that, but it is tempting sometimes.
Of course, I have no parents to help me, and no sisters, either. Though I was born into a large family, I was adopted and raised as an only child.
My daughter moved in with Jim and me for a few months, but worked very hard to get out on her own again. It has been six years for her, and she is still lonely, but she is making a life. She recently returned to community theater, and is nearly finished a degree in jewelry design. I am very proud of her, but she is depressed often, and lonely a lot.
See? I need this. I need to get my compassion back. Not that I dont have any, I cry for her often, feel for my parents who have BOTH been through it even more.
ReplyDeleteI understand in one sense, but cant in another after so much time.
I guess I am not giving her her due, she IS going to school a couple times a week.
The pictures of him and HIS family (his nieces and nephews) with the lack of ours irritates me when I go into HER wing of our parents house.
I guess I am here after all to tell the other side. How much pain is caused by seeing our loved ones in pain. I will be 40 this year, and cant have kids. But I also am wracked by this death thing. It seems to follow me, and my family.
I guess there are lessons to be learned from all of our pain. Most of us just want things to be "right," whatever that means to us, individually.
ReplyDeleteSome of my real life friends can't listen to me talk about Jim's death and how I feel, over and over. The books I've been reading about loss and survival often say that you have to tell your story over and over, and nobody else can decide when enough is enough.
I hope your sister can eventually drag the fragments of her life back together and form them into something new. Going to school sounds like a step. What is she studying?
Education - she wants to be a teacher. It is a good step.
ReplyDeleteMy friend, who is a retired teacher, tells me that, for two years after she got out of her abusive marriage to an alcoholic, she was running on autopilot. She doesn't remember any of it. I met her during that time, and thought she was completely normal!
ReplyDeleteDang, Ronni, guess I been out of the loop too long. I didn't know of Jim's passing! I am so sorry!
ReplyDeleteHugs
You look gorgeous in that wedding photo.
ReplyDelete-Hope :)
Thank you, Hope. I felt gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteLastromantic, where do I know you from? You look very familiar, over on your LJ profile, but I can't place you.