Valentine's Day

In North America, the day is most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of "valentines." Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten notes have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards. The mid-nineteenth century Valentine's Day trade was a harbinger of further commercialized holidays in the United States to follow. The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year behind Christmas. The association estimates that women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines.

Jim and I were never very big on Valentine's Day, or other "Hallmark Holidays." We would usually get each other a card. Last year, he bought me a huge red heart pillow, and I got him a book.

We tended to give each other prezzies throughout the year, mostly on a whim.

I am depressed that Valentines are a thing of the past for me. Eventually, I suppose, I will get over it, the same way I got over being sad the last time I nursed a baby. Life moves on. I guess this is why widows were traditionally given a year to emerge from grief--each holiday brings its own sadness and it's own brand of "nevermore."

In six days, it will have been six months since Jim killed himself. I am tired of crying, there are new lines around my face, and permanent bags under my eyes from all this sadness. I am sick of sadness. I am sick of crying. I am sick.