Can I Write This?

I found myself thinking about the loss of Jim today, but I thought I would get through the day.

Then I got an email from a very old friend, Scott, telling me that his brother had died last Fall, just before Thanksgiving. Scott's brother, Tim, was a Halloween baby. I don't think that's a guarantee of weirdness, but, in Tim's case, it may have been a factor. I think he may have thought he was in love with me, back in the day, thirty-mumble years ago. We were all young, and most of us a bit foolish. He asked me to marry him, once. He was good-looking, in a Clark Kent sort of way. Highly intelligent and in search of a focus. He wrote. He is a person I have not seen since the late 70's, and yet, I feel his loss as if I've lost a little piece of myself. I can only imagine how bad the loss is for Scott. My thoughts go out to you, my friend.

Then, of course, I got to thinking about other losses (besides Jim). From Bearcat and Hilary to the baby I put up for adoption, my Mom, Dad, Addy, friends casually dismissed and never seen again. Scott himself, for that matter. I haven't seen him since 1979! England, and being English. Canada, and being Canadian. All the way back to the Original Sin--being given away by my birth mother. Karma and Original Sin in one sentence!

Tonight, my life is full of loss and abandonment, and I hesitated to write about it, because I so badly want it to go away.

Maybe tomorrow, this post will make me cringe, and I will take it down, but, if I can stand to leave it, maybe there will come a time when I can find a joke in there somewhere.

Tonight, I am wallowing.