Yesterday marked five months since Jim killed himself.
Between the matinee and Ethan's birthday party, I managed not to get bogged down in remembering.
This morning, there are no distractions. Just being alone.
I've always enjoyed being alone. For short periods of time. It has been something of a luxury. Or, it was, anyway, until last August. Now, it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "too much of a good thing."
I am hoping, at some point, to come to terms with it, and not be just going through the motions for the rest of my life.
Grown children are a wonderful thing, particularly as they seem to enjoy hanging around with me from time to time. Grandchildren are a joy. But, like Oscar's friends in "The Odd Couple," they go home at eleven o'clock. They have lives of their own.
Why couldn't he tell me how bad he was feeling? Why couldn't he have seen his health issues and financial issues as something we could resolve together? "For richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health." I promised that, and so did he. Loud and clear. Every word, not just "I do."
I meant it. Why didn't he?
This is obviously not going to be one of your better days, Ronni. It will just have to be a bad day because you are certainly entitled to have them.
ReplyDeleteYou have been so courageous through this awful tragedy in your life. Hopefully, you will have fewer and fewer days like this.
Those unanswerable questions must be the MOST difficult emotion to deal with. I'm so sorry!
It's just so hard to believe that it has been that long. It feels like it was maybe last week.
ReplyDeleteOh Vero, what can I say. I didn't know until today when I looked here.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for you. These things are a mystery. We can never truly know anyone but ourselves.
In my heart, I believe he is ok. I believe you are strong and will make it through this.
I will send prayers for you with all my heart and soul.
.. your friend
Five months can seem like forever or a blink of the eye.
ReplyDeletePeter and Margaret were over for dinner last night and always ask after you. They asked me to send their regards.
I have very fond memories of Peter and Margaret, and I hope all is well with them.
ReplyDeletePonder, it is good to hear from you, too! Hang in there...
I think over time a person can get so bogged down that they can't imagine a resolution - mix in some fear &/or shame and you have a recipe for disaster.
ReplyDeleteNot to intimate that I knew what Jim was feeling/thinking but for some people, the present looms so large that it blurs the time beyond.
Given your unconditional love & commitment to him, it's hard to imagine why Jim didn't put it all on the table. I do know it's not your fault.
I am so sorry you're hurting, Ronni.
hugs,
kathy
Remember, Veronica, God doesn't give you more than you can handle. And all the answers to the questions are on the inside.
ReplyDeleteCora Lynne
I don't believe that, Cora Lynne. This is way more than I can handle. And, inside is this sheet of mylar that is holding back the tide.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet you are handling it. With grace and style. You have your floors finished, you are continuing with theatre, you are posting pictures of unavailable extremely hot men, you have a sense of humor...
ReplyDeleteI can keep on going on, I know you are sad, but I am proud of you.
Aw, thanks, Melissa...
ReplyDeleteGood morning, Ronni. I hope your days get better. Your frustration at not having had the chance to speak to Jim and change his mind, just breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteGo and kick something really hard. Maybe venting will do you some good, even for a little while.
I don't know how you are feeling but I can imagine how I would feel.
You are a fine person with a wonderful spirit and you deserved better. Keep fighting!
He meant it Ronni. Every morning I replay those last days in my head, finding new ways to "change things", and yet they're still not here. My heart goes out to you and you are always in my thoughts. Your sad day means mine is not far behind, and it frightens me.
ReplyDeleteGoodness gracious me! I have just realised that Ethan is a year old. Please shoot me a recent picture. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteIs he still so chunky? A beautiful boy.
I'm so sorry Ronni, I'm just so sorry.
ReplyDelete