My ex-husband, SSS, was just full of pithy expressions, some of which are still with me to this day. One was, "Sometimes I think, 'well, maybe,' and others, I'm not quite sure."
That's how I'm feeling these days.
I seem to be developing a very hard-edged sense of humour, bordering on the macabre. I really did seriously consider getting a life-sized Halloween decoration-style skeleton, and laying it out with a gun, just where we found Jim. Fortunately, better sense kicked in, and I abandoned the idea. Maybe next year...
I tend to be cruel in the way I tell people who don't know that Jim is dead. I couldn't figure out a nice way, so I started just blurting it out. However, on careful consideration of this, I think that perhaps I'm trying to pass along some of the hurt. I am going to try and curb this tendency, as there are (have to be) better ways to bleed off this pain.
You know those headaches most of us get once in a while, where it feels like somebody cracked you in the temple with a hammer? That's the way the pain comes. I can be going along, minding my own business, and something will trigger it...and WHAM! I am reeling.
I sometimes start to weep for no apparent reason at very inappropriate times. In line at the supermarket, for instance.
And I am getting more and more self-conscious, especially in places such as the supermarket, where Jim and I frequently ran into students, former students, parents of students and fellow teachers. The store is near the school. They all recognize his car. Sometimes I think I hear a little whisper behind me in the aisle...
The molasses-like progress of the matter of heir-ship through the court is starting to wear on me. I would like to get busy organizing this house, without having to further store the Prior family antiques. My living room looks like the back room of a Victorian furniture shop, with one little oasis consisting of the TV, a couch, a recliner and a bit of carpet.
Does this mean that, on some level, I'm "moving on?"
Ronni, I think all those things you're feeling are normal. You're definitely ready to get on with your life, and that's a wonderful thing!
ReplyDeleteI have to be. It's going to be a mess if I don't.
ReplyDeleteHeaving a sigh for you dear Ronni. What a patch of shiite that you have been wire-working through for the last months. I think that you will find a good shoulder of support in my Retta. She told me that you were going to email her the detailed detritis that you are dealing with. She is an ardent and loving compassionate and quite brilliant person. A rare combination. The mold was broken and sewforth. I admire and adore her and hope that some kind of kick-start will expedite your muddle. I think you may need an anti-depressant and as I told Stacey, I am not a pusher. What you are experiencing is post-traumatic-stress-syndrome and the crying is a dead give-away. Honey you are in overload. Think about it. xxoomoire/sateen
ReplyDeleteMaybe you are moving on. At least you seem to be feeling you are 'allowed' to have things the way you want them, for a change.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean that in a nasty way, Ronni. Many of us put the needs and desires of the ones we love, before our own.
There may be a little 'freedom of choice' thing going on too. I'm glad, because I care about you.
If you start suspecting someone in the store of whispering, turn to face them head-on, if it is someone you know, ask them how the heck they are doing!
I'm so sorry for your bouts of pain. Two years after my mother died I colapsed in the shower, completely overcome with grief. I was fine after that. Just be thankful you are 'feeling' and work your way through it. I can't begin to imagine how intense your grief must be.
Just know I am here to help in any way that you think appropriate. I mean it! xx
Make that double 'll' in collapsed. Just in case the spelling police are out...
ReplyDeleteWell, you can't go back, and staying exactly where you are would be miserable, so moving on is really your only choice. Though 'moving on' invokes feelings of closure and/or acceptance. And you don't have to be ready for those things to keep going. So maybe that is what you do. Not so much 'moving on' as 'keep going forward'. Not quite the same thing, but both better than stasis. I am pretty proud to know you, ya know. I hate what has happened to you, but I sure am proud of the way you have tackled it, with honesty, applomb and as much macabre humor as the whole thing deserves. BTW, the thought of the halloween Jim by the tree idea makes me laugh too. Heh, you know neighborhood kids will be trying to scare each other when walking past that tree for years to come. Maybe you should stage some hauntings for them so 50 years from now, kids will still be talking about the haunted tree...I wonder what Jim would think about that? It is dramatic...
ReplyDeleteThrowing eggs at Chandra's car? Where the heck does that come from? I mean maybe in Glasgow...
ReplyDeleteTime for me to run upstairs and do a few chores, then I'm off home.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do something nice this weekend, Ronni. I've got a feeling you are going to be busy costuming.
Ciao, dear lady.
I think the skeleton is a perfectly appropriate idea. This is is probably a bit early, though :-)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as though you're going through the normal process. Bursting out into tears occasionally is very normal. Someone warned me of that when my father passed and, sure enough, it happens.
Actually, it's sounds like you're getting on much better with your mourning than I am over my mother but I guess when I get a few more things under control (so to speak) like you have, I'll progress further. Right now, because of the very difficult times we had the last couple of years (and mostly the last couple of months) I'm still more subject to those occasional outbursts of profane SIPT (Situationally Induced Pseudo Tourrets).
God, I've got to get out of bed, shower, find something to wear, and get to the doc. This sinus infection has had me down for days. I can't work or sleep and I need both!
I don't know when I'll be back by to read again (I have yet to have the energy to even watch all the episodes of the Daily Show and Olbermann we recorded while we were at Mum's last week) but I shall try to send you a note in the next couple of days. I just have too many things falling apart. Hmm...just thought of an idea, though, for you to make some "pin money" or "obit money" if you'd like to call it that...shoot me an e-mail and I'll propose it.
Big Hugs!
Mary
oh, apologies for the mis-spelling on Tourette's ..and any others...I'll blame the fever...
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