I miss my Jim. It felt so good that night when the acorn fell at my feet. The three pennies I found were very comforting. Finding one of the pennies was like a little burst of joy that mellowed into a contentment that lasted all day, but it has been weeks since I found one. There is no sign of his presence anywhere. He has never come to me in a dream and told me everything would be OK, or said he was sorry, or anything.
I am so tired of the taste of my tears.
There has been a lot of pain in my life, and I have always measured it by the pain I felt when I signed the papers giving up my first child for adoption. Nothing has come close to that. Until now.
That pain, I found I could not discuss, because people around me were very judgmental about that decision. What the Hell? I was 19, and it was the best I could do.
But this! This pain is so much worse! And I no longer have the weapon of youthful resilience with which to fight it. Back then, I could crush the pain into a little compartment and lock it away. Now, my crusher is sadly rusted and my compartment is made of dryer lint.
Work is a good thing. If I didn't have my job, I'd be a snivelling wreck. I would have to turn off my phone, lock my door, and watch Henry V over and over, all day.
It's so strange that some mornings I wake up and wish I hadn't.
It sounds like reality is slowly beginning to make it's way to you. And it also sounds like you have incredible resilence.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you.
If it helps, I've noticed things at SBCT...
ReplyDeleteTwo pennies in the parking lot (in the last week), a chair that closes slowly after we get to the theatre (ask the cast of The Drunkard), lights that won't go off and a door that opens by itself. My thoughts? I think he's waiting there for you. It's where you two made your connection, where you both loved to be and I think the universe is trying to tell you that you need to be back at the theatre again where your family is...
Hugs,
Lynn
Oh, Lynn!
ReplyDeleteThey told me last February that they don't want me. How can I go back?
I can't look at anyone on that Board without thinking: they voted me off...
Sharon said there was one abstention, which made the whole thing illegal, but I'm thinking it was Gene or Michael.
I THOUGHT Sam Bass was my second home, until last February.
I promised Michael I would audition for "The Oldest Profession," so I will be there, but he has already told me that he's getting a huge response. That translated into, "...I don't need you," to me.
Everyone has been so wonderful since Jim's death, but I still have this lingering hurt from February.
Sorry you are having such a day may they become further and further apart. Betty
ReplyDeleteI hope so, too, Betty...
ReplyDeleteSweetie! No one told you to go away and not come back! If that's what you heard, it's not what was meant. Everyone asks me when I think you'll feel up to coming back! I mean everyone!!! They all expect you to be with us when you are feeling up to it. I think that's what the message is about wtih the pennies and other stuff. The theatre needs you.
ReplyDeleteI haven't wanted to ask, because I didn't want you to feel obligated, but I have a perfect part for you in Shakespeare in Hollywood :) - Louella Parsons. I also desperately need a costume coordinator - the show is costume hell! I would be forever grateful for whatever time you could spare me, if you feel up to it. Erin has volunteered to make the Shakespearian costumes, but I still need to check her schedule...
So, how 'bout it?
As for Michael, he has had lots of response for Profession, but you know exactly how that goes, lots of buzz, no one at auditions...it does NOT mean he doesn't need you!!!!
SBCT IS your second home. I understand your hurt over what happened, but it's time to get your life back and that means taking your place back at home, everyone loves you and is always thinking of you. Please think of coming home...
If "everyone loves" me, why was I kicked out in the most humiliating way possible? I had told several people I was not willing to run for a board position this season. They could have left it at that, and everything would have been all right. Instead, they met after opening night, and somebody who was there at Gala lied. I was not asked to explain my actions, I was not asked to resign, I was told that I needed help and was no longer an asset to the theater. My key was demanded on the spot. I was humiliated.
ReplyDeleteI was told it was all right for me to audition, but the word "welcome" had a hollow ring to it.
I would love to be in "Shakespeare in Hollywood." I will come to auditions. Like Jim, I will do anything for you.
I will help with the costumes, but Erin will have to be in charge.
Don't let those bastards hurt you again, Ronni. Their actions were despicable.
ReplyDeleteI knew your hard work and dedication would be missed. I agree you should go back if that is what you want but don't take their crap.
Damn right they need a costumer! Pity they didn't think about your feels while they were all ganging up behind your back. Sorry, as you can see, I'm mad about you being hurt by people you worked you tail off, for.
It would be nice to know who the person was that abstained. The only one with courage.
Jeez, I'm certain you are going to ban me eventually. I'm such a grump!
Yeah, well. Most of them have been very nice since Jim died, but I still have trouble forgetting. Not Shakespeare (Lynn) was not a part of that fiasco, and has been a very good friend to me throughout.
ReplyDeleteThe time to feel remorseful was when Jim was still alive, Ronni. Such a pity.
ReplyDeleteI'm a cynical old goat that doesn't like the word 'forgive'. If we were all treated fairly and with respect there would be no need for that word.
How much would it mean to you if those who treated you so badly approached you and apologised? A lot, I bet!
Hang in there! You always make me smile when I come to "A Cut Above", I'm glad you get up in the morning, I'm just so sorry you're hurting.
ReplyDeleteAll my hopes,
R. Michael
R. Michael, I have to say that, your performance as Fagin is one of the things I can cheer up, thinking about.
ReplyDelete"The Nerd" was great, but such characters bring back memories of my own youthful awkwardness, which I would rather not consider when feeling down.
Fagin, now! Oh. My. God!
Thank-you (the heart of this actor is very insecure and your kind words really cheer me up) and you know why The Nerd was so easy for me! I was, and really still am, a nerd. You shoulda seen me in High School. Barely 5'8" and over 210 pounds, I was an awkward Plus sized Beauty Queen, minus the beauty. I'm glad my Fagan left such an impression. I hope I can work hard enough to be cast at the Palace again. I love that place. I only wish I could say something or do something to ease your burden because everytime I see you life seems a little bit happier, you've got sunshine!
ReplyDeleteI was 5'2" and 89 lbs at graduation. Considered chic nowadays, at the time, that was awful. Couldn't get clothes to fit...
ReplyDeleteThanks, R. Michael, for your kind words. I'm a partly cloudy with a 50% chance of rain, these days! Chance of late night fog, as well...
Hang in there, gal. It's all very new and you've had so much to work through. Hugs from the coast.
ReplyDeleteThanks, mtnwmn!
ReplyDelete