Today has been a sad day. No new reason, just feeling suffused with sadness. Perhaps part of it is guilt over having gone to that party on Saturday.
Who knows...
I am hearing from various places and books I've been reading that this sort of thing comes and goes.
I am rereading "Dying to Be Free," by Beverly Cobain and Jean Larch. I think perhaps I read it too soon, the first time. This time through, it is making a lot of sense. I have been going through my copy with a highlighter, and will have a more comprehensive review ready in a few days. After Halloween is over (including returns), and after "Thoroughly Modern Millie" goes out.
"Millie" includes over 200 costumes, all to be ready on Thursday. No rest for the wicked, as Mom used to say!
I watched part of "Yankee Doodle Dandy," which was one of Jim's favourite movies. I couldn't watch the whole thing.
I haven't been able to watch The History Channel, either.
I may never watch "Glory" again.
I've pretty much decided not to do the candy thing for Halloween this year. I will, of course, be home for visiting grandsons, with a charged-up camera set to go. Pictures of my (now crawling) baby Ethan will be forthcoming.
I figured that the news of Jim's suicide has probably done the rounds of the neighbourhood, and parents may not want to bring their little ones past the tree that has been nourished with human blood.
I actually considered getting a life-sized plastic skeleton, and laying it out there by the tree with a toy gun. However, on further consideration, the idea seems much too macabre. Maybe next year.
Hey--it's sick humour, but I'm getting mighty tired of crying.
Ronni, I've got so much respect for you. You're dealing with things the best way you know how. Whatever gets you through is the right way. Sometimes that macabre humor is the only way. Go at your own speed.
ReplyDeleteThank you Nadine. Your steadfast encouragement means more to me than I can tell you.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of being an insensitive cow again....!
ReplyDeleteGuilty for having a harmless night out after the deep doodoo you have been left to clean up, has me just ever so slightly fizzing. "You" haven't done anything to anyone, Ronni. Guilt? Why? for loving him for all those years?
Give yourself a break lady, I think Jim got the better deal.
I apologise for having to share my 2 cents, yet again.
My mind knows all that, but, emotionally, not so much.
ReplyDeleteI got slapped pretty hard at CTV when the Jason-is-innocent crown was slamming the wife's (victim's) sister for smiling at the funeral and selling something on eBay several months after the murder. I told them about Jim and said that I had been out with friends several times since his death, to plays (one was Brendan's and the other was work-related), to dinner, and even to a pub. This witch asked if Jim's family was aware that I was running around. I said that I was pretty much the only family that Jim had except for his brother, and that's who had taken me out for dinner. I also mentioned that I has sold several things on eBay.
The usual CTV slams, but sometimes it niggles at me.
Well, you know that she is a witch so obviously you understand that her opinion means nothing.
ReplyDeleteI smiled at my mother's funeral. Actually, I laughed. It turned out to be such a fiasco. I turned to a work colleague of mine and said "My Mum will be peeing herself. We can't even organise her funeral without her!"
Exactly!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't possibly be uniformly sad all the time. The sadness comes over me in waves, but, in between, I can be more-or-less normal.
Your friends know the pain you are in and don't begrudge you a good laugh to lighten your load. They say it's the best medicine.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mgt. I know the person at CTV was just trying to get my goat. Succeeded, too!
ReplyDeleteRonni: I think you are doing pretty well, but beware that the sadness may return during the holidays. As you know, my Jim died to the day one year before your darling husband--and suicide also. I cried everyday, for about 9 months. EVERYTHING reminded me of him.
ReplyDeleteIts been 14 months now, and my eyes are still swollen--but I dont cry as much.
Last week was a weird sad week--I dont know why.
So beware.
You are staying busy--I quit my job and am just working free lance--so the down time does not help. And I just got dumped from a match.com date I went on--no chemistry the guy said. (I said, "Whew, one less Christmas present")
All in all, life goes on. I am going to pick up the book you are reading. Have you read "Year of Magical Thinking" yet? I could not bear to see it on Broadway. . .but read it and re-read it.
Off to Amazon to order it! Thanks, Susan.
ReplyDeleteI think I started reading these books too soon. The second time through "dying to Be Free," it is making much more sense.
I am working two part-time jobs and doing a bit of free-lance costuming as well.
Hello Ronni,
ReplyDeleteI hope you find some comfort and help from Dying to Be Free in your second read. (I happen to get an google alert for your comments, but I don't know much about blogs to be truthful.)
Take good care...
Warm regards,
Jean Larch
Author Dying to Be Free
Hi, Jean!
ReplyDeleteI got a nice comment from Bev the last time I mentioned the book.
I think I read it too soon, the first time. I will write more about it in the next week or so.
Thanks for commenting!