Thirty-one days ago, my life changed. Forever. In the blink of an eye. I still have not actually grasped the enormity of that.
All the legal and financial aspects aside, there is a huge, gaping hole that will probably never heal. I wake up at night, gasping for breath because I realize that, not only is he not there beside me, but he will never be.
I feel as if I shall never be whole again.
Those of us who have never experienced what you are experiencing can only guess at what you are feeling Ronni. My heart does go out to you.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that I think you have an amazing courage and generosity to share this experience with others. I feel, if and when it is my turn to experience such a terrible loss, that your writings wll be a guiding light through it.
Ronni:
ReplyDeleteYou pinpointed your terrorizing feelings perfectly. . .its not the EVER, its the NEVER.
Time does help you put things in perspective, but for now, your loss is still so new, your emotions can only be raw. Just as you describe them. .
Hang in there, and keep us close.
Susan
Three gentle words for you sweet Ronni:
ReplyDelete"Yes, you will."
You always were.
Vero, deario, I can almost feel your pain when reading your Blog.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could help you in an effective way. Let me know how, please. Please.
I am always thinking a lot of you.
It's very generous of you to read my sad maunderings.
ReplyDeleteWriting about it helps.
I cried a lot at work today, and my co-workers at the Sangwidge Shop were worried about me, I could tell. I had it pretty much under control by the time I got to the Costume Shop. At least there, nobody was angsting over broken fingernails like customers at the Sangwidge Shop were.
I went to the Psyc. doc today to get my scripts filled. She spent quite a while discussing the difference between people who talk about killing themselves as a plea for help;and the fokes who are determined. She wanted all of those who knew and loved Jim to know that there was nothing to feel guilty about in situations like this. He could have easily gotten around professional help or legal action. Betty
ReplyDeleteWe think of you often and hold you close in our hearts here.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find some relief in the outlet of writing about it, at least the relief of letting it out.
I so wish I was closer so I could help more.
"Thirty-one days ago, my life changed. Forever. In the blink of an eye. I still have not actually grasped the enormity of that."
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty enormous, alright.
"All the legal and financial aspects aside, there is a huge, gaping hole that will probably never heal."
It won't, but you can go on and move forward into your life after a piece of your heart has been cut out. There are other chambers in your heart that are full, with love for your children, your friends, and for you. Your heart is not a perfect heart shaped heart, anymore. It's a little lopsided, now that that huge chunk has been zapped. But, when you think about it, you still love him, even though he's gone. You still love him. And that love you hold for him never has to die. It doesn't. You can still love him. It's okay. All you have to do is accept the fact that there will be no new experiences or memories made together, here, on planet Earth.
"I wake up at night, gasping for breath because I realize that, not only is he not there beside me, but he will never be."
This is the worst pain you've described, here. It is the worst. I've been there. For whatever it's worth, and I don't mean to sound cold, but you'll get used to it. This is what they're talking about when they say time heals all wounds. The length of time between the time you realize that he is not there beside you and the time you realize he never will be becomes shorter with time.
"I feel as if I shall never be whole again."
You are what you are. Your life is what it is. What happened, happened. I'm not sure what whole means. Maybe I should say I never knew what if felt like to feel whole. I've always thought of myself as a poor dumbfu*k, plopped out into this world, and expected to survive, on my own. So, I don't know what "wholeness" means. Maybe somebody else can help you with this one.
You will obviously never get over this, Ronni. Hopefully, it will all become a bit more bearable.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a personal journey for you, I would never presume that I could be of any comfort to you right now.
Even though you think your completeness has gone, you are showing remarkable courage, carrying on with life and being there.
If you need anything, shoot me an email. xx
"A whole is the sum of all the parts." Can't remember where that quote came from--probably some Greek mathematican.
ReplyDeleteYou will feel whole again one day, Ronni, it is going to take time to rearrange the factors of your life, and to add new life factors, to complete the sum and feel whole again. This process cannot be rushed, but it can happen.
Thinking of you, friend.
Sincerely,
Lynne
Ronni,
ReplyDeleteI've thought a lot about you... my first husband committed suicide after we had been divorced 14 years... and it still hit me hard...and yes, he still passes through my mind...16 years past that... and still i wonder "why"? at some point you just have to say "what lesson am i to be taught"? and remember the good times... and its just the remembering of the good times that makes the whole situation hard to comprehend...and the circle goes round.... i told the shrink...I can imagine a bad day, week, month even....but a bad life? bad enough to end it by your own hand? no.... the therapist said leaving him was the best thing i could do for him... which gave him the 14 more years...but when he married again... he was successful 8 months later... i tried to convince his second wife it was not her fault... you will struggle..but you will go on... and you will always keep it with you...and someday... we will discover what the lesson must be? my thoughts are with you....
Sandi (lisa's sister)
Thanks, Sandi...
ReplyDeleteI SHALL learn.