Winter Holidays

Thanksgiving is wonderful, because all that's expected is that you show up.

Well, OK, show up with something, but that's minor. Chandra makes the best cranberry sauce, so she brings that. I am the turkey-meister, so that's my contribution. Vanessa makes the green beans and dessert. Jim makes Confetti dip, and we usually have some new experiment of someone's. This year it was Misfit Devilled Eggs, which are to die for.

We've been having dinner at Vanessa's, the past couple of holidays, as she has a nice, cat-free environment, and, much as I love my furry friends, they are not much help with dinner.

As our family is small--just Chandra and Aidan, Vanessa and Mike, Jim, Brendan, and myself--we don't get into huge contests about who brings what, or whether sausage cheese balls are inferior to Rainbow salad, on a scale of difficulty, prep time, etc. We are just glad to see each other, and any yummy thing brought is just...well...gravy.

Christmas is pretty much the same, except that there are prezzies. Most of the prezzy-giving centers around Aidan, and, next year, Ethan. Brendan prefers gift cards, and we grownups just get some little thing that we think each other will like. We don't have a lot of money to spend, so we keep it simple.

Jim's family, though small, also, seemed to have holidays fraught with tension. I'm not sure why, but it was there. He gets tense right before the holidays, and it becomes difficult to talk to him. Some level of his mind is anticipating trouble. We have never had any, even when Luis was still with us, and loathed Vanessa's (then) boyfriend. They knew better than to cause a kerfuffle.

Of course, I don't usually worry about using the family silver, and Grandma's double damask dinner napkins, and whether the devilled eggs have too much paprika in them. We drink a toast to absent friends, and tear into the table.

We also don't play board games, card games, dominoes, or anything else that can be fought over. And, if you're coming, you'd better resign yourself to watching football!

Brendan was not with us yesterday, as he and his dad went to Grandma's, and also to his dad's inlaws. I had to stop insisting that every family member be here for every holiday. I realized that I was putting them through a lot of stress, and that's just not worth it to me. It is important that Brendan be a part of Grandma's and his stepmom's family, as well. He's 16, and it's not fair for me to hog him.

Fortunately, there is no one in any of these families that I would consider "toxic." We have already eliminated those.

I feel badly for people who have to "put up with each other" for holidays. There have been elements of that in my life several times, over the years. The former MIL, who carefully took pictures of me with my mouth full at every holiday. The shirt-tail relative who packed up her game of Balderdash and went home when Chandra and Vanessa beat her at it (at 12 and 8). The passive/aggressive pseudo-friend who could make me feel ugly, clumsy and incompetent within five minutes of walking in the door.

Sometimes it's best to avoid the gatherings, in the interest of avoiding such people. It's a wrenching choice, especially as there are few opportunities to get together with the family members who are not toxic. Still and all, when you find yourself dreading the approaching holiday, maybe it's time to consider starting your very own tradition.

Jim and I have been threatening to run away for Christmas for several years now.

One of these days, when I've seen that the kids will do Christmas or Thanksgiving on their own, we will do that. I think we should. Just so that, when we are no longer here, the next generation will already be used to having an occasional holiday without us, and the time won't be infused forever with sadness.