What Mama Said

"How would you feel if somebody did that to you?"

People are not born with empathy. They are born with survival instinct, which means that they are born selfish. Babies are so selfish that they have no idea that anything exists outside of themselves. After a few months, they begin to recognize an Other, and so called "separation anxiety" sets in. The ability to reason appears quite a bit later. One of our responsibilities as parents is to teach our children where they end and the rest of the world begins.

One of my mom's best weapons in the was was the question, "How would you feel if somebody did that to you?" I heard it a lot. When I pushed in front of somebody. When I interrupted somebody. When I hit, kicked or bit somebody. When I snatched a toy from somebody. When I pulled the cat's tail (that one was a puzzlement).

I heard it until I was sick of hearing it, and Mom was sick of saying it. But, here's what it does: it lets a child realize that Others are like one's Self, with the same rights and ability to feel pain.

"How would you feel if somebody did that to you?"

As I got older, I heard it when I talked about a friend behind her back. When somebody lent me something that I didn't bother to return. When I dodged a phone call. When I raised my voice.

"How would you feel if somebody did that to you?"

I don't know if she really knew what she was doing, or if she was just channeling her own mother. It doesn't matter.

It seems to be a weapon that has fallen into disuse. Kids that have heard it enough don't grow up to stalk, hurt and kill. They realize that others have the same feelings and rights as they do, and that those feelings and rights are just as important as their own. The know that what goes around, comes around. They understand karma.

"How would you feel if somebody did that to you?"